Notes From Your Drunk Grandma: Regarding Rush Limbaugh

If you learn nothing else from me and my box wine, learn this.

Nobody gets to call you a whore.

Apparently, these days using birth control for medicinal purposes makes you a whore. Apparently wanting no double standard about rights makes you a whore. Apparently, being in possession of a vagina makes you a whore.

In my day, we called you a whore when a man paid you for sex, because that is what you were. The title comes with the territory.

If you used a hose on flames, we called you a firefighter.
If you drug a squeegee down a window, you called you a window washer.
If you got nasty with a pervert for monetary exchange, we called you a whore.

We didn’t call you a prostitute because you took aspirin or got treatment for cancer. That’s just mean as hell; women are catty about fashion, not medical treatments. [Read more...]

Miss Holly Hope for President

Hey FnS community! Miss Holly Hope here. I would love to receive your support in my journey of runnin’ for President! President? I know there’s likely a lotta questions, so I got answers. How’s the campaign for President goin’? Well, I’m I am findin’ it challengin’ to be a beacon of hope and light when there is so much negativity in this race for President that I’m runnin’ for, so much so that I’m about 2 inches in my mind from buildin’ a time machine to leave for the future, like 200 years from now. But that’s no good. Gotta stay and work it out and plow through the poo. Someone while I was out politicin’ the other day actually gave me dirty looks – I won’t name names – but it was someone on another candidate’s team. It’s really amazin’ what’s out there when ya start gettin’ into it. I’m gonna stick to the streets and findin’ people that love and support my message and by goodness we will make a difference together. I would love to have a bunch of Funny Not Slutty ladies on my team helpin’ promote love and peace and simply not givin’ in to the nasty, negative side of politics. I’d love for y’all to join my mission for peace and love and of course for me bein’ President! [Read more...]

An Overdue Thank-You Note to the Attractive President of a Substantially Sized Country

by Laura Burns

March 12, 2009

Dear Attractive President of a Substantially Sized Country,

Thank you for saving me $34.84 per month, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency, by recently passing legislation that reduced the amount of tax money withheld from my paycheck. Because of the magnitude of your generosity, and because I know you’ve got other things to take care of, I have decided to do your intel a favor by publicly detailing the manner in which I plan on spending this money over the next 30 days.

Item #1

When I go out to the bar this weekend to celebrate a holiday associated with drinking, I will buy myself a beer. Then, if a charming fellow offers to buy me a drink, I can slyly raise my bottle, indicating that I’m all set, instead of freaking out and only requesting water because I don’t trust the intentions of men. I think, if you were to offer me a drink, I would also only ask for a tap water because I wouldn’t want our relationship to be based on a fluke, drunken presidential-office hookup that would make you respect me less as a person. And I certainly wouldn’t want any of the above to happen on account of my not having any money to buy my own beer, which would undoubtedly cause me to accept your offer of a Red Bull vodka, which would inevitably lead to the consummation of our deep, romantic feelings towards each other.

$34.84 − $5.00 = $29.84, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency.

Item #2

The next thing I would like to invest in is a good breakfast at this excellent diner downtown that I went to one time. They have a delicious and various selection of eggs, bacon, Belgian waffles, crepes, and the like. Because the morning after is going to be so rough for me, once I realize that you and I will never work out because we’re going in two completely different directions. I mean, you’ve got to manage our substantially sized nation’s economy, and I still have an outstanding payment at a health club located in a wealthy suburb that used predatory tactics to rope me into a full-year contract, which I promptly cancelled, but still I fear they are out to get me. Plus, I’m addicted to caffeinated beverages, reasonably priced designer clothes, and digital keychain pets. [Read more...]

Vote Victoria Jackson for President – Chantal Carrere

Victoria Jackson shares all the reasons why you should vote her into presidency.

chantal girls

Chantal Carrere was named one of “The Funniest Lesbian comedians in America” by Curve magazine. She captured 6th place in the “TopTen Funniest Lesbians” along side notable performers such as Ellen DeGeneres. She was declared 11th in the “One Hundred Women We Love” issue of Go Magazine. Chantal relocated from her native California to Boston where she can be seen performing in clubs and colleges through the US. She also tours nationally with both “Five Funny Females” and “Lesbians of Laughter” shows.