Eat This – Momma’s Effin’ Cocktailed-Up Sangria

Momma loves a good Sangria … it’s fizzy and fuzzy and fruity and lots of other “F” words. But, according to my friend who claims to be a gourmet chef, sangria is hard to make. (Just because your macaroni doesn’t come from a blue box doesn’t mean you’re gourmet, but that’s just my blue-box’ed opinion.) She says you need a bunch of different kinds of expensive liquor and pure cane sugar flown into the mainland by homing Toucans, and it needs to sit in your fridge melding for days on end.

I cry Bullshit. If you can’t drink a drink as soon as it’s mixed, it just ain’t worth it. So, here ya go:

  • 3 (three) bottles of any kind of cheap red wine. The cheaper the better, I always say!
  • 1 (one) liter bottle of 7-up. Why 7-up? It’s the cheapest!
  • 1 can of crushed pineapple. Do not drain it.
  • 1 can fruit cocktail. Again, don’t drain this goodness.
  • 3 – 4 oranges, thinly sliced

In a big ol’ jar—think big…maybe even a sun-tea jar, y’all!—pour in two (2) of the bottles of cheap red wine, the bottle of 7-up, the can of pineapple, the can of fruit cocktail and the slices of oranges. Stir it up real good with a ladle.

And you know what? It’s good to drink now. Right now. Just pop some ice in a plastic cup that you brought home from the BBQ joint, scoop some sangria right in there, swirl it around some and drink up. This will store in the fridge for a few days, if you don’t drink it up first.

And if that snooty, gourmet friend of yours ever shows up, just give her a glass from that third bottle of cheap-ass red wine. You will not want to share this Cocktailed-Up Sangria.

 

Heather Davis

Click Here to see Heather’s Page
Heather Davis, Minivan Momma, has figured it all out. Follow along as she shares her tricks on how to juggle being a full-time, work-outside-the-home momma with two crazy, start-the-day-fighting daughters all while keeping her home neat and tidy, her toilets clean and her husband satisfied in bed (and not just on Saturday nights!). OK – it’s only one “trick”. The trick is to ignore it all. Also, drink lots of sangria. And laugh every day. You’re always welcome to laugh at her! http://www.facebook.com/IAmMinivanMomma

 

EAT THIS: Thanksgiving Leftovers Faux-Pie – Heather Davis

Fake Pot Pie with Hard Core Mashed Potatoes

The day after Thanksgiving always throws me for a loop. I mean I just spent approximately fourty-two friggin’ hours cooking a meal that takes approximately thirteen minutes to devour but will set out for six hours until it’s picked plum apart. The day after Thanksgiving, then, someone will inevitably say, “Let’s have leftovers.” Ahhh, hell no. We ate the leftovers at about ten thirty last night, and it’s a wonder anyone is even still hungry considering we had enough to feed a squadron of army dudes and actually only had ten people at the meal.

But, eaters be eatin’ and you’ll need to have something to feed them. Here’s my fool-proof plan to earn a spot in the “Day-After-Thanksgiving-Hall-Of-Fame.”

Here’s what you’ll need:

  • 2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
  • 2 cans of turkey gravy (yes cans… you want real gravy, make it yourself)
  • 1 can of mixed vegetables
  • 1 c shredded cheese
  • 2 frozen pie crusts
  • 3 large potatoes
  • ¾ c half and half
  • ½ c butter
  • salt
  • pepper

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, boil two chicken breasts. Add salt and pepper. When the chicken is done, remove it from the broth and add more water. [Read more...]

Mrs. Mullet’s Baked Chicken Breast Recipe

The hidden causes of TMJ, aka Mrs. Mullet’s Baked Chicken Breast Recipe

It was 7 o’clock. Dinner had been over for half an hour. The dishes had been cleared, leftovers had been put away. The table had been wiped down. There was talk of pajamas, tooth brushing, and bedtime stories.

I looked over at my five-year-old and noticed he was chewing something.

“Did you get a treat without permission?” I asked. “Gum, perhaps?”

“No, Mom,” he said. “I’m still trying to eat the chicken from dinner.” He took the wad out of his mouth to show me. “It’s taking forever.”

“Still?” [Read more...]

My Drunk Kitchen – Natalie Wall

Want to be philosophical, schwasted, and corny as hell while violating a (dead) chicken with a beer can? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m pretty sure tampering with a dead animal carcass is illegal in most states. So why not live vicariously through Hannah via “My Drunk Kitchen” and watch her drunkenly stumble (with her thoughts and actual body) through her one-lady cooking webisodes?

Will you actually learn how to cook? Absolutely. Will the food be good? Absolutely not. But cooking is more about the experience than the actual outcome of the food (which is why God created Taco Bell), and Hannah is ready and willing to demonstrate that the best type of experience is always a drunk experience.

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

 

My Top 6 Cooking Disasters and Why None of Them are My Fault

In the kitchen, I’m useless, and always have been. Every attempt I’ve ever made at cooking has been a nightmare. There have been many disasters along the way, but here are the top 5 standouts.

 

Pepperoni and Cardboard Pizza

What happened:

Did you know that you’re not actually supposed to bake a frozen pizza with that round piece of cardboard still under it? Because I sure as hell didn’t.

Who I blame:

This is a clear case of negligence on the part of DiGiornio and I fervently believe that, had my husband not come home and asked “What IS that burning smell?”, our resulting lawsuit (had we survived the fire) would have made us rich beyond our wildest dreams.

Salty Mac and Cheese. 

What happened:

Freshman year of high school, I decided to take a break from being an asshole 14-year old and made dinner for my mom. I have no idea what prompted this idea but I suspect I’d done something stupid and wanted to head off my mom’s wrath by doing something sweet to stifle her rage when she finally got wind of whatever it was.

Uncharacteristically, I decided not to get too ambitious and stuck with the basics for my menu. Grilled cheese sandwiches, with a side of macaroni and cheese. How could I possibly fuck that up?

After a lot of hard labor, I proudly presented my mom with my culinary masterpiece. I watched eagerly as she took her first bites. The grilled cheese went off without a hitch. The mac and cheese, not so much.

Who I Blame:  [Read more...]

Top 10 End-Of-The-World Foods – Heather Davis

Cream of Chicken Soup

If what the Mayans say is true and zombies end the world in 2012 by electing Snookie as president, we must be prepared. We must be prepared to board ourselves up in our homes because let’s face it: we’re not all going to get to Montana in time and besides that, the state is only so big.

I think we learned our lesson in 1999 when we all stocked up on water in preparation of the computers taking over the world in Y2K. Ummm…Water? It’ll take a whole lot more than water to get us through this crisis.  Make sure you have plenty of these items on hand.

 

10. Twinkies: Not only will these delectable snack cakes serve your family for generations to come, but if you unwrap one and let it sit on the counter for 24-hours, it can be used as a weapon. An edible weapon – life is good.

 

9. Taco-Flavored Doritos: These spicy, crunchy triangles of wonder are hard enough to find when everything is right with the world. If you see these, snag them up. Plus, if a zombie breaks into your house and steals them you’ll hear it crunch the chips or crinkle the bag.

 

8. Segram’s Wine Coolers: Popping the top off of a wine cooler will remind you of a much simpler time. A time when you were poor but still wanted to get drunk. A time when you had no lofty expectations or taste. [Read more...]

Eat This! Show Me The Money! Lemonade Pie

lemon pie

My sweet little baby decided she wanted to have a lemonade stand. We live close to the corner, so I was convinced that with her sweet face and my knock-off brand of powdered lemonade, she’d totally rake in the dough. She sat out in the heat for hours (and not just because I told her to not come home until she recouped my $1.75 investment). No one stopped. Not one single grandmotherly-type figure. I know the economy is bad, but c’mon! She’s cute enough to warrant a 50 cent cup of watered-down lemonade.

I walked to the corner where her little table with the crayon sign was set up and saw the issue: The sisters in the block before ours had their own stand. AND? They had their baby brother strapped in his stroller for curb appeal. Oh hellz no. This would not work. No one steals my baby’s lemonade traffic. We would be back tomorrow, and we would be ready to dominate. Three letters, my friends: P I E. [Read more...]

God Bless American Hamburgers, Finger Food Edition

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

We excitedly opened our invitation to a friend’s annual July 4th cookout. At the bottom, in fine print, was her new jacked-up plan: We won’t be grilling out; bring finger food to share. What? It’s the fourth of July. No grilled food? When the hell…did the French take over?

I called her and told her that here behind the Iron Curtain, we had burgers for the Fourth of July. It was the American symbol of liberty and overindulgence. Plus, I’m pretty sure Rush Limbaugh wrote it into the Patriot Act. She giggled and said they were going for a more sophisticated menu. I slammed the phone down on her ear. We contemplated not going to such a high-brow, frou-frou event; but that would mean I’d have to cook an entire meal. Instead, I decided to make some finger burgers to share. One way or another, we were going to have burgers for Independence Day. God Bless America and American hamburgers!

1 ½ lbs ground beef, that’s the stuff burgers are made of. I’m sure the hostess would have preferred organic, free-range beef, but I just bought what was on sale at Hellmart – it’s the American way.

8 oz Velveeta, I’m not even sure it’s any kind of cheese, much less actual food, but damn! It’s good stuff!

2 T ketchup or catsup or BBQ sauce if you wanna go all fancy-schmancy

1 T mustard, just the yellow stuff

½ T garlic powder, you could mince a clove, but let’s not get carried away here.

salt, pepper, however much you want – it’s your burger and you are FREE to flavor it as your wish. Thank you, George Washington for our freedom to pursue flavor.

½ onion, minced finely, or not finely – it’s a free country! [Read more...]

Perfect Unimaginably Lazy Cuisine – Noa Gavin

It’s long been thought that either people can or can’t cook. Either you have a natural flair for the culinary arts and know exactly what spices to use, or you burn everything in sight.

There’s no in-between in this logic, and I defy that by existing today and not having wasted away into starvation long ago.

In fact, that grey cooking area is vast and full of questionable food, because some people are just too lazy to cook things properly. It’s not that you don’t know how to cook well or eat every meal out—it’s that you don’t care enough to make a huge meal every day for…yourself.

I am that woman. Share in my apathy, won’t you?

 

Poached-Ass Eggs

  • Get out an egg
  • Put that bitch in a bowl, shell and all
  • Nuke it for 2 minutes.
  • DONE. [Read more...]

Easy Three Herb Pesto – K A B L O O E Y

easy-pesto-recipe
Foolproof Three Herb Pesto
(for the thrify and/or recipe impaired)

Note: If you’re like that 50 Shades of Grey babe and just like to be ordered around, skip all the parenthetical notes.  You have enough issues; you don’t need to be exposed to the inner workings of my brain.
basil

  • 1 bunch basil
  • 1 bag spinach (Because it’s much cheaper than basil and I promise will work fine in this recipe.  Hey, Anastasia: you can trust me.)
  • 1 bunch cilantro (If you hate cilantro, use 2 bunches of basil, or use arugula. You can’t mess this recipe up, unless you throw in some poison ivy.)
  • 4 cloves garlic (or fewer, if you’re garlic-averse.  I actually used five HUGE cloves.  And now I’m close talking and breathing on you.)
  • ½ cup grated parmesan or romano cheese (not the green can of powdered vomit; I don’t care if you grew up with it, use fresh.  And you can use a whole cup.  I was trying to cut calories a bit.)
  • ½ cup olive oil (Up to a cup is fine, actually, depending on the texture you like.)
  • ½ cup of walnuts (Pine nuts are supposed to be used, but have you seen what they charge for those bastards? Walnuts give the pesto the same creamy texture for a lot less money.  I used a “big handful;” a half cup’s my guess.  We’re very precise here in the Kablooey kitchen.  No wonder the Food Network keeps overlooking me for a show.) [Read more...]