Acceptable Romantic Foods – Monique Madrid

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but a way to a woman’s hips is also through her stomach.

In the beginning, my husband was a romantic. Flowers, love notes, spontaneous dates and candy were a regular occurrence. I still remember the first time he gave me candy. I know that’s a little weird, but this was a 10lb bag of gummy bears. Not the shitty, generic brand either. Haribro Gummy Bears, the Ferraris (or at least given their Germanic roots) the Volkswagen of gummies. I was thrilled and ate the whole bag in a day.

Ten years later, he still brings me little surprises, just not of the flower variety. In fact, the last time I got flowers was when I snuck a bouquet onto the conveyor belt in the checkout line at Jewel. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t bring me little gifts though just not necessarily the kinds I want. While ’50 Shades of Grey’ groupies pine for chocolates to go with their handcuffs and whips, I pine for looser fitting pants. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he tends to bring me treats like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that just so happen to be his favorite candy. They also happen to be worth too many points, so I always give him half. Geez, isn’t that convenient romantic.

Still, just because I’m health conscious doesn’t mean I’m impossible to please. Here is my list of acceptable romantic treats. [Read more...]

Announcing ~ Bad Valentine Short Short Essay Contest Winners!

Enter the Funny not Slutty Thank you to all our contest participants and to Flytrap for sponsoring the Fns Bad Valentine Short Short Essay Contest!

EVERYONE’S a WINNER! Buy a GOOD VALENTINE from Flytrap using order code BADVALENTINE for 15% off Valentine items. Expires February 15.

My judging process was to rate essays from 1-10 in funniness (it’s a word because I say so) and quality of writing. I added the two numbers for final scores. Here are the results and winning entries:

 

1st Place – Dusty Earth Mother

1st Prize Flytrap Package: A Flytrap Card, a Sticky, a Littles and a (gasp) Boink Journal!

2nd Place – Amy Pannell

2nd Prize Flytrap Package: A Card and some Littles!

Honorable mentions – KiKi, Becca and Jotter Girl

 

1st Place – Dusty Earth Mother

“Bad Valentine”. A sonnet by Wilhelmina Shakespeare.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art just as sweaty and akin to the hairy-backed man at thy community pool. [Read more...]