10 Popular Trends in Wedding Guest Dresses

by Blythe Jewell

Every wedding is different, every guest is special. Some of us are there to celebrate the sanctity of marriage, others are there to get drunk, get laid, eat their weight in wedding cake or some combination thereof. Let’s take a look at some of the hottest trends in wedding guest garb this season.

10. The “Your Gift Will Totally Be Something I Made With A Hot Glue Gun and Popsicle Sticks” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9.  The “I Really, REALLY Need to Find a Sugar Daddy To Help Me Pay for These Things” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8.  The “I Like Cats Just a *Little* Too Much” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7.  The “Playing This Off Like I’m Cultural and Stuff But Really I Just Want to Eat the Entire Wedding Cake Without Worrying About Stomach Pooch” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.  The “Only Way I’m Getting Any Attention Today is by Piggybacking on the Cuteness of My Kid So I’m Going Whole Hog” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.  The “Just Got Dumped So Now I’m Planning to Get Wasted and Blow a Groomsman at the Reception” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.  The “Took that Whole Royal Wedding Thing Just A Tiny Bit Too Seriously” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.  The “I’m Hiding Your Gift in One Of My Flaps” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.  The “Last Wedding I Attended, My Husband Took Sister Wife” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 . Top Wedding Guest Dress Trend –   The “Don’t Care if I Have to Run Over my Own Grandma – I’m Catching That Fucking Bouquet” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/.  Also available for childrens’ parties.

Dumb Ass Wedding Songs – Jessica Delfino

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Now Introducing the Bride and Groom and Their Dumb Ass Wedding Song

by Jessica Delfino

Dancing in a gown while my entire family watches is enough to reawaken every pathos and neurosis I managed to stuff way, way down inside my self, the way I used to with tissue paper in a brassiere. Used to? Who am I kidding. I did it last week. The bride and groom dance scares me almost as much as a fiery death also involving spiders. OK, let’s break it down. The way this typically works is, some dude you never met and probably don’t care much for who somehow conned you into forking over upwards of three grand to dick around with some of his favorite music for a few hours will introduce you as man and wife for the first time to whatever song you and your fiancé either caringly choose together or settle on, like you may have each other.

Today, we discuss some of the most popular songs for the newly wed bride and groom dance, and what it says about them.

A Whole New World, “Alladin” Sound Track

12 year olds, Arabians, Disney princess, those planning to come out of the closet at some point in the near future, practical “ironic” jokesters doing the best and most elaborate joke of their lives, those paid to use it, or a couple who forgot to specify what song they wanted, and this was the first song that came up on random. In short, I can’t think of one realistic reason that anyone might be doing any kind of dancing at all to this song at their wedding. I can already see in the comments, someone writing, “I like that song!” Please also note which one you are, above.

Always, Atlantic Starr

OK, so, this song owns in both an ironic and a totally for real way, and may very well be the song I choose for my wedding song. What does that say about me? Well, that I used to love rollerskating when I was 10, for one. Speaking of Atlantic Starr –

Secret Lovers, Atlantic Starr

It’s a nice coincidence that Atlantic Starr also boasts the rad “Secret Lovers” ballad about an illicit romantic affair. Play that song at your wedding if your husband left his wife to be with you. You won! Celebrate life’s little achievements.

Crazy, Patsy Cline

This is a great song to dance to at your wedding if you are Carole Boone (who married Ted Bundy), Doreen Lioy (who married Richard Ramirez), Tammi Saccoman (who married Erik Menendez), Rebecca Sneed (who married Lyle Menendez), and anyone else who is marrying a man on death row, because your ass be crazy.

Don’t Know Much, Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville [Read more...]

Yeah, Sure, Of Course, Totally, & Fine, I Do, OK?

Note from the Editor: Jessica Delfino is getting married, and she is writing about it in this new column on FnS.

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Breaking Down Weddings, or, Why Weddings Equal Break Downs

By Jessica Delfino

Marriage — everyone’s favorite institution, or, at least, the only one where the food is typically half way decent.

If you are married, you know it costs a small fortune to do something so simple seeming as “tying a knot.” However, most knots don’t cost you (or your parents) about the same as a year of college tuition to tie. Except maybe the “six exploding knots” which could also be a euphemism for what happens when the two families combine at many weddings.

Also, generally, most knots are a hell of a lot cheaper to untie. [Read more...]