Elegant Eight-Layer Garden Cake Recipe – Heather Davis

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

A delightful dessert that will beguile your guests with subtle decorum.  Not only pleasing to the eye, but titillating to the taste buds as well.  Plus, it’ll make you look so much better than the Julia Childs-wannabe who brings a can of bean dip and bag of Fritos to the first pool-side party of the season.

2 lbs fresh strawberries plus 1 ½ cup sugar

2 lbs fresh blackberries plus 1 ½ cup sugar (do not use blackberry phones for this recipe) [Read more...]

The Fifth Season – Pauline M. Campos

If web surfing burned calories

When I was a kid there were four seasons: Winter, spring, summer, and fall. Of course, Pluto was also still a planet which goes to show you how the times have changed. Want even more proof? Read the magazine covers while waiting in line at the grocery checkout or take a look at your tweet stream. Because we only watch Nick Jr. and PBS Kids in this house, I wouldn’t know what’s playing on prime time television, but I’ll bet you the muffin top I’ve been sporting since I the day Buttercup was born that there are plenty of commercials airing right now touting weight loss plans and pills with more than obvious references to the season that came to be sometime between I and Don’t Fucking Care.

Say it with me, now, ladies: Swimsuit season. [Read more...]

The Most Handsome Man in Milwaukee

I wish I could tell you that throughout my life, I have made only wise, non impulsive, emotionally free decisions.


There have been decisions made where I had no other choice, where life decided them for me, or where I did the best I could do at that time.

And there have been the decisions where, having made them, we can call ourselves graduates in the school of hard knocks: Lessons Learned The Hard Way 101.

Nothing brings these technicolor flashes of memory of some of the things I’ve done to the forefront of my mind, quicker than a blast from the past song on the radio.

While driving from one place to the next one day, with my three children in the car, the radio on good and loud in celebration of summer, Funky Cold Medina snuck on and slapped me between the ears like a wet fish.

I had to stifle my laughter as that awesome three beat intro began. I did not want my three baby boys in the car to ask, “Mom? What’s so funny?”

Because then I’d have to tell them the story of when I decided to try and get the The Most Handsome Man in Milwaukee, to like me. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 1

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

I am about to move to a very small town, where I will no doubt immediately alienate most of the population, terrify some and enrage the rest. Do you think I should I buy a red or yellow bicycle for the road raging event that I am sure will see the end of me?

Small Town Problems  [Read more...]

An Overdue Thank-You Note to the Attractive President of a Substantially Sized Country

by Laura Burns

March 12, 2009

Dear Attractive President of a Substantially Sized Country,

Thank you for saving me $34.84 per month, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency, by recently passing legislation that reduced the amount of tax money withheld from my paycheck. Because of the magnitude of your generosity, and because I know you’ve got other things to take care of, I have decided to do your intel a favor by publicly detailing the manner in which I plan on spending this money over the next 30 days.

Item #1

When I go out to the bar this weekend to celebrate a holiday associated with drinking, I will buy myself a beer. Then, if a charming fellow offers to buy me a drink, I can slyly raise my bottle, indicating that I’m all set, instead of freaking out and only requesting water because I don’t trust the intentions of men. I think, if you were to offer me a drink, I would also only ask for a tap water because I wouldn’t want our relationship to be based on a fluke, drunken presidential-office hookup that would make you respect me less as a person. And I certainly wouldn’t want any of the above to happen on account of my not having any money to buy my own beer, which would undoubtedly cause me to accept your offer of a Red Bull vodka, which would inevitably lead to the consummation of our deep, romantic feelings towards each other.

$34.84 − $5.00 = $29.84, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency.

Item #2

The next thing I would like to invest in is a good breakfast at this excellent diner downtown that I went to one time. They have a delicious and various selection of eggs, bacon, Belgian waffles, crepes, and the like. Because the morning after is going to be so rough for me, once I realize that you and I will never work out because we’re going in two completely different directions. I mean, you’ve got to manage our substantially sized nation’s economy, and I still have an outstanding payment at a health club located in a wealthy suburb that used predatory tactics to rope me into a full-year contract, which I promptly cancelled, but still I fear they are out to get me. Plus, I’m addicted to caffeinated beverages, reasonably priced designer clothes, and digital keychain pets. [Read more...]

Top 10 Rules of Elevator Etiquette – Kelley Nettles

by Kelley Nettles

Although I would never step into a closet with a tightly sealed, impossible-to-open door with a disheveled stranger that I’ve known for 0 seconds, I essentially do this every time I step into an elevator, like most of us.  If you too are sometimes at a loss for just what to do around an elevator, please take note of the following tips:

#1 When you arrive at the elevator, make sure you stand really close to the person waiting beside you. Make sure you cast them sideways glances every few seconds and when you catch his or her eye, smile widely.

#2 Once the elevator arrives, try to enter it at the same time as the person waiting beside you. If possible, try to get caught in the door at the same time so you can both giggle and sweat together.

IF you don’t quite time the elevator entrance right and have to shuffle past each other, make sure you ask really loudly, “Do you wanna dance?” followed by loud and obnoxious laughter. People just love these types of jokes and will definitely search you out in the hallways thereafter for comic relief.

#3 Once inside the elevator, try to go for the floor button at the same time as your elevator partner (EP). If you are not able to time this interaction just right, and if you are beside the elevator buttons, ask EP what floor he or she hopes to arrive to should the elevator not burst into flames or get caught between floors. If EP is beside the buttons, simply demand that he or she press floor 7 immediately or you’ll push the red emergency button.

#4 If the doors remain open for more than 1 second, frantically push the “close” buttons. Know that the elevator doors have no intention of closing unless you push that “close” button like a maniac. I’ve heard of people entering an elevator who are teething and leave needing dentures because someone flat out forget about that blasted button. You may push the “open” button only if a person trying to enter the elevator has one leg inside. If anyone is farther away than that, push that “close” button like it’s oxygen for your blood. Make sure to provide no one eye contact while pressing that button like a woodpecker on an oak tree. You can’t waste the energy.

#5 While on the elevator, hum your heart out. People really like to listen to public humming, especially when packed tight together like sardines. It gives everyone around you a chance to play “name that tune” in the middle of their humdrum day. Also, if you ENTER the elevator humming, you receive greater admiration. Your bravery and love of life will immediately impress your fellow passengers.

#6 Don’t forget to look up at the top of the elevator where the passing floors are shown. You need to look up there every 2 seconds or the elevator will not stop at your floor. Do not worry if everyone around you thinks you are part pigeon. If you are part pigeon, please, for goodness sakes, do not poop in the elevator. [Read more...]

Funny not Slutty of the Week – Daniela Muhawi

Humorist and artist Daniela Muhawi of Seafood Punch is Funny not Slutty of the Week. Her website is a holistic attempt at controlling a mild case of ADD by listing everything that goes on in the her head in a relatively orderly fashion. Daniela also provided most of the incredible cartoons among the pages of  The Funny not Slutty Big Blog Book. She has granted a little interview for us at FnS.

Funny not Slutty of the Week – Daniela Muhawi

It seems your work has themes such as food and diet, health and germs, self improvement and self esteem… How do you define the main themes of your art?

I love drawing food with faces. Ironically, I’d probably never eat anything if it was looking back up at me. (I’ll have to write a post about the goat-head incident now that you’ve reminded me about it.) Ideas comes to me while I write. Since I tend to write about animals, fat animals, food and food that makes you fat…that will typically be the stuff I illustrate. I occasionally like to incorporate real facts in my writing and art too. Unfortunately, I lost all credibility when I drew an angelic hotdog with a halo. I typically try and keep things entertaining, goofy and based on real facts…but I’ll slip once in a while.

I only know you are not originally from the US because you talk about it. You have assimilated into our culture so well, you cannot tell. Was that just in your nature, or did you purposefully observe and mimic what was around you? Do you think your brilliance in noticing what is in the minds of our society stems from an outsider’s perspective?

[Read more...]