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God Is the Ultimate Wingman – Linda Roy

May 19, 2013 By 8 Comments

Single Christian
God is blazing a technological trail into the 21st Century.

And how is the all knowing Creator doing it?

He’s running a dating site.

God is the ultimate wing man.  He’s the Heavenly Host with the most, the Almighty matchmaker. Because frankly, he’s tired of watching us mortals fuck it up. He’s seen the reality dating shows and decided it’d be a sin not to throw his two cents into the collective basket.

If you want something done right, do it Yourself.

People aren’t exactly flocking to church these days and He needs to increase his fan base. What better way than through the Otherworldly Wide Web.

Besides, now you don’t need background checks.  It’s nicely packaged as “mingling”. Suggests a level of purity.

I like that. There’s enough tawdry shit on the interwebs. Never mind that He’s got zero dating experience. It’s not like He’s going to hook you up with that schlub from Accounting who’s got the crusty Hustler collection stashed in the hall closet.  Plus, you’ll always have a Sunday morning brunch companion.

Not only that, but if you’re an aspiring actor or model, He’s got a website for that too! Wanna “shine for Christ in the entertainment industry”? Of course you do and God wants to be your agent. Oh…and sorry, I know becoming a Christian is automatic, but you might have to audition for this.

As for dating, it probably feels like you’ve spent 40 days and 40 nights flooded with the uncertainty of your romantic future. But fear not single Christian. On God’s dating site it’s raining men.

Hallelujah.

 

 

Single Christian

Music by Night Ranger
Lyrics by Linda Roy

 

Single Christian, oh the time has come

God’ll help you find the only one who’ll say

“Let’s Pray”

 

You’re ownin’ it

Trust your plight to Christ

He’ll find your Mr. Right

He runs a dating site

 

You’re smolderin’

It’s not like you’re Sasquatch

You’ll find God’s perfect match

The fish you’ll loaf to catch

 

Single Christian, oh the time has come

God’ll help you find the only one who’ll say

“Let’s pray”

 

‘Cause you’re smolderin’

Yeah, smolderin’

 

 

Linda Roy

Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other. They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.

 

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“The Louise Log” Launches a Seed & Spark Campaign To Fund Season 3

May 16, 2013 By 5 Comments

louiselog
Louise Log Seed & Spark Campaign

Louise is hurriedly on her way to pick the kids up at school, when she happens upon an old art school acquaintance, Steve.

A “stop and chat” ensues wherein he points out that she looks “much older” and goes on to humble brag about his upcoming show in Germany. Louise’s inner dialogue is off and running. “You can say that because you’re a real artist. You tell the truth. I’m a little housewife with a manicure.”

Louise’s inner voice is our inner voice. It’s certainly my inner voice. We can relate, even if our husbands don’t happen to be hanging out in the living room in a full body cast only to emerge as our crazy sister’s hot French dead ex-husband.

AnnFlournoy
Creator and writer of “The Louise Log” Anne Flournoy

“The Louise Log” is a comedy web series about the inner life of a married mother of two living in New York’s Greenwich Village. The series, created and written by Guggenheim Fellow Anne Flournoy, was nominated for best web show at this year’s Shorty Awards and has received praise from the likes of Roger Ebert, Buzzfeed and the Huffington Post, comparing it to such groundbreaking series as “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and “Louis”.

As the series embarks on its third season, Flournoy has launched a Seed & Spark crowd funding campaign which offers a host of donation incentives which include a personal email from Flournoy herself, an on set visit, and an invitation to attend the wrap party.

This crowd funding thing isn’t all roses and Godiva chocolates, as Flournoy shows us in this video. She’s out of paper towels and milk for God’s sake.

Sounds a little like blogging.

I urge you to consider making a Seed & Spark donation to “The Louise Log” so we can continue to eavesdrop on Louise’s monkey mind. And so Anne can get her poor husband that long awaited twelve pack of Bounty.

Of course, it is reward enough to know that you’ve supported a unique, fresh, funny up and coming web series which features the talents of lead actress Christine Cook as well as season three appearances by two of the blog world’s finest – creator of Listen To Your Mother, Ann Imig and the Dusty Earth Mother herself, Shari Simpson of Earth Mother Just Means I’m Dusty.

Because Ann Flournoy? She’s a real artist. She tells the truth.

Our collective inner voices rejoice!

Seed & Spark – http://www.seedandspark.com/studio/louise-log-season-3-0

The Louise Log – http://thelouiselog.com

 

 

 

Linda Roy

Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other. They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.

 

 

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Fashion Tips for Broke Girls – Ginny Leise

April 25, 2013 By Leave a Comment

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Us broke girls take a certain pride in being low-maintenance. Go all winter gaff taping your boots together? No big deal. Pairing a mealy t-shirt with a mini you outgrew years ago? That’s Saturday. Then spring comes along and quite literally sheds new light on your ragged sweaters. Want to freshen your wardrobe without forking over grocery money? Here are some tricks for keeping yourself consistently presentable and occasionally great.

1. Host a Swap. Invite over a big group of girls and their unwanted yet wearable clothes. Hold up each piece one at time and describe it (size, label, etc.) and interested parties take turns trying on. Things can get a little cutthroat so make sure to only invite your more civilized acquaintances. Pick out a charity for the leftovers. Viola, new clothes plus a little good karma—that never happens when you shop at Target. Speaking of which… [Read more...]

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Anne Frank Responds to Justin Bieber – Jenn Dodd

April 17, 2013 By 2 Comments

Anne Frank Responds to Justin Bieber - Jenn DoddAfter visiting the Anne Frank Museum, where Anne lived in hiding for two years with her family during the Holocaust, Justin Bieber signed the guest book “Hopefully Anne Frank would have been a belieber”. Wow, Justin, how humble of you! Glad to know you ‘got something’ from your time in Frank’s secret annex and somehow made it all about yourself. What he probably didn’t count on was Anne Frank having a YouTube account and putting it to good use by (sweetly) laying the smack down on the 19 year old dooface. Comedian, Jenn Dodd, plays a young Anne Frank.


[Read more...]

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Suburban Haiku ~ Peyton Price

April 14, 2013 By 1 Comment

cami photoThe funny ladies
age much better than the sluts
and get less TDs.

Dress code addendum:
extra coats of mascara
do not count as clothes.

It is nice weather
but not wifebeater weather,
Mom in spike heel boots.

Women of the burbs:
If it’s sold with underthings
wear it under things.

Consider cleavage
before showing up at school.
So, is this enough?

[Read more...]

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K A B L O O E Y’s Dope of the Day: The Self-Pitying Dieter

April 14, 2013 By 2 Comments

art
There’s always one woman at every Weight Watchers meeting who acts like she’s the guest on a talk show, and the rest of us are her audience. When the topic of giant red wine glasses came up (you know, the bulbous fishbowl-sized ones restaurants use) this is what she said:

We went to Applebee’s and I had the salmon and grilled vegetables. My friend gets this big glass of wine and it looked so good, but… (sigh)… I just had water. I felt like I was in a concentration camp.

Um. What do you say to that–thanks for sharing? Interesting analogy? Good command of history; Bergen-Belson was infamous for poorly grilled vegetables.

I’ve said “I’m starving” countless times, but of course, it’s never been true. As someone who hasn’t missed two consecutive meals in… ever, at least I know “I’m starrr-ving!” is just a hyperbolic whine produced by a hunger pang and a soft life.

So lady at my meeting, just remember: you were at Applebee’s, not Auschwitz. Having to pick water instead of wine… is not exactly Sophie’s Choice.

 

K A B L O O E Y

K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.

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You Poor, Stupid, Sad, Fat Girl by Adrianne Frost

April 3, 2013 By 2 Comments

Choking1

 

In the movies and on television, fat girls have it pretty bad. Frankly, fat girls are fucked. End of story. I personally have died twice, as a poor, stupid, sad, fat girl.

The first time I died, it was because my boyfriend was in the Al Qaeda. He was using me to get some kind of Al Qaeda shenanigans going. I had met him on the internet, in an “I like fat chicks” website that my fat friend and I trolled. He thought I discovered his plot and had me killed. The killer was a handsome stranger who flirted with me in a liquor store, whom I followed and, presumably gave a blowjob to in hopes of true love (because that’s what fat girls do), but was strangled and left in a boiler room in Brooklyn instead.

The second time I died, Cuba Gooding, Jr. found me at my job at an elementary school, and he charmed me into meeting him later for dinner by jump starting my car and flashing a toothy grin. He comes to pick me up at my apartment and my roommate tells him that I got freaked out, thinking I wasn’t attractive enough for him and I went off unaccompanied. So, I’m all alone in the bar, looking sad, when the dashing Neil McDonaugh (a time-traveling murderer) sidles up and begins a friendly conversation. I welcome that, because I hardly ever get attention paid to me. I go to the bathroom, Neil follows me, Cuba gets there too late and I get eviscerated. I’m serious. I had a big “Y” cut into my chest. I looked like a bullfrog, in a nice dress, who wandered into a science class.

Dead1

This wasn’t real-life, of course, but two acting jobs I had. I have noticed that this happens with most movies and TV shows: fat girl ends up with not-fat guy because he is using her or she is so desperate that she doesn’t realize he is a serial killer/rapist/puppy eater. Most of these characters are flattered and flustered when a white, physically fit, non-UPS driver pays them any mind. It’s like they’re looking at a work of art that they can never afford. And who would sell it to them, anyway?

Mostly, I get stuck as the 911 operator, patrol-car cop or EMT. You know, the sit down jobs. We can’t run, you know. That’s why you never see us on “The Walking Dead”, we done got ate. Once, I was cast as a lawyer who was not described as “heavyset” in the breakdown. I was just a normal, money hungry, ambulance-chasing attorney representing a killer. It felt progressive. Then, a few years later, I’m in Baton Rouge, getting dissected by a handsome actor. [Read more...]

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DON’T CLICK SEND!: The 5 Worst Dating Message Mistakes – Mallory Schlossberg

March 25, 2013 By 1 Comment

Photo on 5-18-12 at 7.03 PM

I’m a big proponent of the Internet dating scene. Why? You can talk to the opposite sex while looking at animated GIFs, you don’t have to see the guy’s “I’m-rejecting-you-face” when he rejects you, and you can flirt in your sweatpants while eating peanut butter out of the jar! Win, right?

While you may or may not find your soul mate via the Internet, you could very well procure a date or two or thirty seven! It’s important, however, to avoid making these mistakes that I will make for you right now. Us funny ladies usually think that the men are the ones at fault (with their “heYy sexYY LaydEe Lez Do It Now” or their “I want to slather you in my shaving cream and eat organic avocados off of you” messages), but sometimes, we can be at fault, too! We all have our inner creep, let’s not be too proud, here. Since we are just as capable of poor e-flirting, these are the worst messages to send when you are attempting to score a date via the World Wide Web (does anyone call it that anymore? No. No one does. Okay).

Hey!  So, I read your profile, and I also LOVE all of the bands, books, music, movies, and foods you like. We have SO MUCH IN COMMON, it’s almost like we’re related! Except not really haha lol jk. Let’s hang out!

Just a heads up, “it’s almost like we’re related” might be the kicker here.

OMG do I know you in real life?

Ten out of ten times I know what people I know in real life look like, even when I find them on the internet, unless their profile pictures are abstract art in place of a face, in which case most moderators would have taken the pictures down already. [Read more...]

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Memories of my America – Of Liberace and The Hope Diamond

March 19, 2013 By 11 Comments

hdColombians are prone to embellishment, to taking a story and making it even grander. It was Gabriel Marquez, the famed Colombian novelist, who proclaimed, “To Colombians, life is a stage.”

My mother has entered a delightful stage of dementia. Delightful in the sense that her already Colombian tales of life have become even more entrancing. We pick her up on the weekends, and she spends the day at our house, where my three boys and I spread her favorite blanket across her lap, much like a ceremonious draping of an ermine wrap across a queen’s shoulders.

We settle her in with Mexican cocoa — hot chocolate with a pinch of cayenne — which she sips slowly, blowing softly across the steam, and when she leans forward to set her mug down, we know we are about to hear, The Theatre of The Colombian, Part Six; where she will pick up where she left off, when she was here last.

“You know,” we all turn to see what she will floor us with today. “I had to say no when Fidel Castro asked me to marry him. Yes, he acted one way in front of our government, but I knew… he was not going to grow into a nice man. And look, I was right.” My mother reaches for her hot cocoa, blows and sips, sets it down, and begins again. [Read more...]

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Linda Roy Records ~ Wry Generation…The…Who?

February 26, 2013 By 11 Comments

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My teenage son and I were watching the concert for Hurricane Sandy Relief while The Who were onstage.  He knows their music.  His father and I are musicians and we make sure our kids are schooled in the classics, lest they end up with the misguided notion that John Mayer’s got it goin’ on or something.

So when the question came, I was caught totally off guard.  “Who is that?

“What do you mean ‘who is that’, it’s The Who!”

“Who?”

“Them! The Who!”

“Who, them?”

And so it went; own rendition of “Who’s On First”. [Read more...]

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