How to Survive the Office Christmas Party from The Awkwardista

office christmas party

It’s the holiday season again and you know what that means. It’s time for gift giving, merriment, and the office Christmas party. Spending eight hours with your co-workers five days a week isn’t enough. Now you have to dedicate a few of the precious hours you spend away from the office to them in the form of an awkward social event.

Making it through the potential catastrophe known as the office Christmas party isn’t as difficult as it may seem. Just follow my advice.

Dress up. It’s Christmas. It’s time to show your holiday cheer by wearing that reindeer sweater you bought on clearance last year. [Read more...]

In Me ~ ManlyMan

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Hey FnS viewers! We’re ManlyMan. We hope you like our video, “In Me”. We’ve been playing our songs live for a few years now, but this is our first music video and we are so excited to share it with you all. True story, Caitlin really did write a poem called “In Me” in high school without realizing that the phrase made some embarrassing implications, until she read it out loud to her boyfriend. The song is very closely based on this honest work of literary genius. Look out for more from us very soon. We’ve already completed a follow up music video that will be coming out in the next several weeks. Thanks for watching!  - Caitlin and Erin

 

ManlyMan – “In Me” from Coalition Theater on Vimeo.

Am I a Feminist, or What? ~ The Official Reference Chart

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There seems to be mass confusion over what it actually means to be a Feminist. Don’t get me started on what it means to be a Humanist and how that is misinterpreted. If you going with “I am an Egalitarian Humanist” then more power to you, just make sure you represent and don’t just label.  During mature discussion, 20-somethings feel the need to pipe in and let us all know their exact/simple definition of the term “Feminist”, not really how the affiliation has come to be embodied in 2013. “A Feminist is anyone who believes that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities!” they say. REALLY? Because I’d never heard that before! You’re a GOOD little reader! Well…if you also consider the reputation and behavior of any institution of thought, it is a little more complicated to discern. We have all heard that definition, and some of us who have been around the block a little more than you and have the truth figured out. So put on your listening ears a little more often my young know-it-all Feminist Facebook friend. Next time you hear someone speaking about their definition or expression of Feminism, you will know the real answer.

 

Announcing Sole Provisions Short Essay Contest Winners!

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1st Prize – Lovelyn of Nebulous Mooch

Lovelyn wins a pair of Fitflops OR Orthaheel SHOES from Sole Provisions!

2 Runners Up – John “Cork” Corcoran (most creative) and K A B L O O E Y (funniest line…hint, “smoothies”)

The winning entries are below, and you can check out all entries in comments of the original contest post.

 

I Sold My Soul by Lovelyn

Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but I sold my soul to the devil to be able to cook. Yeah, that probably wasn’t the best exchange. First of all, I wasn’t specific enough. I wanted to be a world class chef with my own show on the Food Network. I don’t know if you’ve watched the Food Network lately, but I’m not on it.

Instead of magically knowing how to make perfect French sauces and rich desserts, I’m the casserole queen of my block. I can mix a can of soup, veggies and chicken in an oven-safe glass dish, stick it in the oven, and get perfect results every time. I don’t even like casseroles, but now I’m stuck bringing covered dishes to pot lucks and PTA meetings.

People eat my casseroles and ask me what the secret is for making them so perfectly every time. I simply shrug and wonder if I’ll still be making casseroles in Hell.

I obviously wasn’t thinking straight when I made the deal, but you know how the Devil is. Once you sign on the dotted line there’s no getting out. I wonder if Hell will be as hot as my kitchen is now that the oven is always on.

 

Untitled Entry by John “Cork” Corcoran

It was a dark and stormy night when I busted my sole while busting a move to “Soul Man” at a Seoul Hilton Karaoke night.

“What do you think of that as my lead sentence?” I asked Vincenta Faborgini, my hard working agent and confidante.

“In a word? ‘Overkill’,” she said, taking a drag of her Pall Mall.

“You can’t be a smoker,” I replied. “They won’t allow smokers in a winning Essay.” [Read more...]

Sole Provisions FunnynotSlutty.com Short Short Essay Contest

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Why should you enter the Sole Provisions FunnynotSlutty.com Short Short Essay Contest?!?

 The Prize:

One pair of shoes from Sole Provision’s Fitflops OR Orthaheel collection.

Rules and Writing Criteria:

  1. Essays are to be 150-450 words long to be considered.
  2. You must include one of the following words in the title -  sole, soul or Seoul.
  3. You can write about true events or fiction.
  4. Judging criteria are funniness, good writing and creativity.
  5. Essays will be judged by FnS publisher Jacki Schklar and announced on September 12th.
  6. Essays must be submitted by midnight Eastern on Monday, September 9th 2013. Submit your entry simply by adding it to the comments section below! You can write up to 2 entries/submissions.

Follow Sole Provisions and tell them you appreciate their participation in our contest! https://www.facebook.com/SoleProvisionsShop https://twitter.com/SoleProvisions

 

International World State Pushup Champion ~ H. Lovelyn Bettison

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What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
-  Napoleon Hill

I’ve heard this quote a hundred times, but never really believed it until just the other day. You may wonder what changed. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you.

It was a Wednesday when I looked in the mirror and noticed the lack of definition in my arms. I was devastated until I realized that I had the power to change. So I got down on the floor right then and there and did a pushup … okay it was a half pushup. It was more like a quarter of a pushup, but it was close enough. That’s how it all began.
 

I’m writing this to you Funny not Slutties today as the International World State Pushup Champion. That’s right. All you need is a dream and a random combination of words ending with the word champion and you too could be a winner like me!

Don’t believe me? Just watch this interview I did with International World State Champions of the Universe Video Magazine for proof.

 

H. Lovelyn Bettison

H. Lovelyn Bettison is an author and blogger. Read about the funny side of life on her blog Nebulous Mooch where life is all sunshine and sausages.

5 Ways To Celebrate Your Mess This Summer on the Fringe ~ Mallory Schlossberg

Sponsored by Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)

So, we’re we’ll into the thick of summer (and that sounds disgusting), and well into half of 2013. If 2013 has not been going according to plan – didn’t lose those ten pounds? Haven’t found a husband/significant other/pet to alleviate your loneliness? Haven’t kicked your wine for dinner habit? Instead of beating yourself up, why not CELEBRATE it?

1. Go to your favorite bar in your sweatpants. OWN IT.

2. Eat an entire bag of pita chips because IT IS DELICIOUS.

3. Skip the workout for a shopping work out.

4. Delete your OK Cupid profile even though you haven’t met anybody. YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF.

5.  Make an entire dinner out of the microwave. Carcinogenic? Maybe. Delicious? Potentially? Easy? YES.

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/molly-marjorie-rosenblatt-needs-a-man-goes-to-fringenyc

There’s an ENTIRE MUSICAL this summer in NYC dedicated to celebrating your mess and not having it together. It’s at the NY International Fringe Festival. For more info, be sure to follow Molly on twitter (@MMRNeedsAMan), like her on Facebook, and check out www.mmrneedsaman.com.

Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.

Fashion Tips for Broke Girls – Ginny Leise

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Us broke girls take a certain pride in being low-maintenance. Go all winter gaff taping your boots together? No big deal. Pairing a mealy t-shirt with a mini you outgrew years ago? That’s Saturday. Then spring comes along and quite literally sheds new light on your ragged sweaters. Want to freshen your wardrobe without forking over grocery money? Here are some tricks for keeping yourself consistently presentable and occasionally great.

1. Host a Swap. Invite over a big group of girls and their unwanted yet wearable clothes. Hold up each piece one at time and describe it (size, label, etc.) and interested parties take turns trying on. Things can get a little cutthroat so make sure to only invite your more civilized acquaintances. Pick out a charity for the leftovers. Viola, new clothes plus a little good karma—that never happens when you shop at Target. Speaking of which… [Read more...]

Buttski & Glasscock Take the Stage Just for You – Natalie Wall

Well, maybe not solely for you. But maybe, especially if you are industry folk, then Buttski & Glasscock, (along with an array of hilarious character comedians), are definitely getting on the stage specifically for you.

Any who, Funny Not Slutty is proud to announce that our lovely, Miss Jenn Dodd, shall be performing her monthly show, “Buttski and Glasscock New Talent Blow Out,” this Friday, February 8th, at 9:30 p.m at The People’s Improv Theater located in New York City.

For those of you that don’t know, few things:

  • Jenn is fucking hilarious.
  • The People’s Improv Theater is located 123 east 24th street, NYC.
  • Jenn is fucking hilarious.
  • This show is “character comedy.” In character comedy the comedian performs as though he/she is the character created by him/her…and…

[Read more...]

Gobble Gobble – A Tale of Turkey Trepidation by Elizabeth Bastos

turkey trepidationMy holiday eating has swung like a pendulum through fashions. In college, I was a vegetarian. I gave the righteous stink-eye to my family as they were tucking in to the Thanksgiving bird. That’s an animal, I said. They were like, And? So? More dark meat for us.

Later, I became interested in farm to table like everyone else, and I ordered a bird through some Amish farmer cooperative in Pennsylvania. Later, I learned from an aunt in York that the Amish don’t necessarily treat their animals better than anyone else. So forget the Amish. The thing to do was to get a Kosher turkey, so the next year I did that. It was awfully salty. The pan juices reminded me of the months I spent in Israel.

I entertained the idea of hand-raising a turkey, but in high school when I went through a dorky aquarium-fish phase, I killed guppies. Accidentally. I just forgot to clean the aquarium for a year, my mind being on other things: Chris Nagy, the cutest brown-eyed blond thing in Western Pennsylvania that I knew. [Read more...]