Memoirs of My America – Death at the Hand of a Skeleton Key

funny key storyGrowing up in a small house as part of a large family means one thing: never any time alone. There is always some sibling in your business, some person taking you on for that last fish stick. Solitude and silence become the things you pray for at night, forget world peace in your whispered requests — it’s a piece of time to yourself that you want.

When I was eight years old, I saw a chance to be alone and took it. Blinded by the too good to be true opportunity to be somewhere with no one else around, I stepped through that open door and went for it. Literally.

My grandmother was giving lunch to my two younger siblings. My three older siblings were out grocery shopping with my mother. I was alone in the hallway, and I — for the first time ever –  noticed the bathroom skeleton key sticking out of the keyhole. How had I never seen this? I could be in the bathroom, alone, I thought. I just have to turn that key and take snacks in with me that I don’t have to share. I can take in the crayons and not have to fight anyone for the black everyone wants. [Read more...]

Romney Obamaloney Baloney with Miss Holly Hope For President

As I am sure you remember, Miss Holly Hope is runnin’ for President. Hope believes in runnin’ a clean campaign. Here is a video with her advice on runnin’ a clean campaign in light of Mitt Romney’s recently makin’ up a not-so-nice word “Obamaloney”.

EAT THIS! – La Loaf de l’amour

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.by Frogmama

Has it been awhile since you and your partner have been amorous? Do you need to put that zing back into your bedroom but don’t know what to cook to set the wheels in motion?

Relax. “La Loaf de l’amour” is here.

Before you jump into this dish, I need to lay down some ground rules. This dish isn’t for novices so if you’re someone who fucks up instant oatmeal don’t even think about attempting it. The recipe has been in my family for eons so please, whatever you do, don’t go telling everyone about it. I don’t want to turn on the TV and find Rachel Ray claiming it’s hers.

Got it?

Preparation:

Be sure you make this dish on a night when you have plenty of distractions and limitations. I recommend two crying kids, two fat cats begging to be fed, a slight buzz, severe lack of sleep, cabin fever and some out-of-whack stubbornness fed by your partner’s comment of “You can’t make dinner under these circumstances.” [Read more...]

Cheeeken in a Can and Butter Cookies

BITE ME! Food and Whine on FnS

My mother was a fancy lady. She never cooked, nor cleaned, nor kept up a home. She had grown up in South America, with “servants.” That’s the word she used for the help they had around her house. They had a servant for bed making, sweeping, cooking, market shopping, and small child watching. They even had one to feed my older sister’s pet howler monkey.

When she moved to the United States, that all had to stop. No maids here, but at least there were appliances. Still, the shock of do-it-yourself life along with the unwilling attitude on her part to have to learn how to do for herself, birthed a lot of meal time horror stories.

She couldn’t cook worth a lick. [Read more...]

Flacidia – The #1 Solution for EF

Most of the approaching-middle-age women I know are wishing their partners were less flaccid, trust me…

Marilyn Snodgrass; Stylist for the Dead – Jenn Dodd

Some call her creepy but others simply call her misunderst- … no, she’s creepy. Marilyn Snodgrass is a dim-witted and adorably eerie beautician at the Astoria funeral home. Self appointed “fashion guru for the dead”, Marilyn was asked to give a speech for the New York Funeral Committee over her unique style choices for the recently deceased.

jenn-dodd
Jenn Dodd

Jenn Dodd is a New York based character actress and comedian who loves to poke fun at mankind’s collective social awkwardness. Her character work focuses primarily on the wonderfully bizarre nature of every day people.

Funny or Die Presents: Rugrats

 Every 90’s child thought it, but now we have proof. That Angelica chick was one cold-hearted bitch. Filled with deception, manipulation and cold-blooded murder, get ready 90’s generation for the greatest validation of our television consuming childhood existence that we all know and miss so much. Fuck that I-Carly bullshit, and buy your tickets in advance for the first (of which I hope to be many) live action Rugrats movie. With a star-studded cast, including Alia Shawkat, Mae Whitman, Michael Angarano and Nathan Barnatt, your childhood memories will never be the same.

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

Dope of the Day – K A B L O O E Y

dope of the dayToday’s Dope of the Day cemented his victory by uttering the phrase “You must be confusing pain with pressure.”

 Do you think that gem was crafted by:

 A) my dealer

B) my dominatrix

C) my psychiatrist

D) none of the above

 If you answered “D,” give yourself a sloppy kiss. [Read more...]

FnS Top 20 List ~ 2011

top 20 funny

Here are the most viewed posts from 2011 content on Funny not Slutty for the entire year. There is a lot of good stuff that did not make the list such as most of our “Victoria Jackson for President on FnS ” campaign that so many funny women contributed to. And let’s give a round of applause for ALL our columnists and contributors.

Some great posts were overshadowed because they just did not happen to do well in social media. What were your favorite posts from this year? What would you like to see more of on FnS in 2012?

  1. The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl
  2. In Defense of Slutty Halloween Costumes – Slutty but Funny (by Natalie Wall)
  3. Ask the Suniverse on FnS Vol. 1 Edition 4
  4. Kablooey’s Annual Halloween Guide Part II
  5. Top 35 Worst Sex Names – Slutty but Funny (by Natalie Wall)
  6. Kablooey’s Annual Halloween Guide Part I
  7. John Travolta: A Timeline – Megan Lent
  8. #occupyanthropologie – Laura Burns
  9. Why I Love Christopher Hitchens – Jacki Schklar
  10. FnS Interview – Aubrey Anderson-Emmons of Modern Family
  11. Memoirs of My America – Lunchroom Angst
  12. Memoirs of My America – Penny for a Peanut Butter Twist
  13. See Something Say Something Shoot with Killer Killy Dwyer - Sara Gaddis
  14. Why The Brownie Leader Hates My Guts – K A B L O O E Y
  15. EAT THIS! Santa’s Reindeer’s Scat – Elizabeth Bastos
  16. Kid Still Life – Elizabeth Bastos
  17. 5 Things I Will NOT Be Doing on Valentine’s Day to “Please My Man” – Blythe Jewell
  18. American H.O.A.R by “Victoria Jackson” (by Traci Foust)
  19. REVENGE ITALIANO – Lucia Brizzi
  20. Notes From Your Drunk Grandma: Halloween (by Noa Gavin)

 

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 5

holidays-blog

Suniverse-Funny-AdviceConfused? Uncertain? Worried that you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve all your problems.  As an oldest child, I’m quite used to bossing people around and telling them what to do.  As someone who has spent countless years and more student loan money than I’d care to think about attending ever more esoteric classes, I’m filled with the type of knowledge that isn’t suitable anywhere else.  Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com.  You can also enjoy my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.  Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

How do I get through another sad and lonely Christmas? [Read more...]