GIRLS OF RELAPSE 2013 :: CALENDAR LAUNCH PARTY + TALENT SHOWCASE


COME CELEBRATE WITH US!!
Do you like SNL?? We LOVE SNL!!!

13 ever-lovely performers + staff members from Relapse Comedy Theatre took inspiration from our favorite tv show, Saturday Night Live, for this year’s 2013 Calendar. It’s funny, sexy, iconic and a keepsake you’ll still be staring at in 2023!!

Through out 2013, the Girls of Relapse will be promoting the shows, events, and activities of Relapse Theatre and representing Relapse Theatre at events around town. The Girls of Relapse will also be involved in philanthropic and community service projects on behalf of the theatre.

Meet a three of our Girls of Relapse who are breaking boundaries from the boys club of comedy, proving that they are truly Funny not Slutty!!
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Helene Critiques Seven Fall Magazine Covers

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Hello, lamb chops. In this column, I will look at the much-revered fall issues for fashion magazines. Why is the September issue so important? Shhhhhhhhhh………….let’s not dwell on the details. Just buy what we tell you and for god’s sake don’t eat whatever it is you are about to eat.

Here are my thoughts on seven of September 2012′s magazine covers.

1. Vogue: Of course! The grand-dame of magazines. But I don’t say that to mean “old”, of course. More of a youthful, “who is your doctor” kind of grand-dame. And on this month’s cover, we have Lady Gaga. It might not surprise you to know that I think Lady Gaga is the absolute height of fashion. If I could get every woman in America out there in a nun’s habit covered with blood and 12 inch platform shoes, I would have done my job.

2. W: I don’t know who this person is but I do love the look of a set of balls nestled delicately below one’s throat. And they promise to tell you about “10 Trends You Can’t Live Without”! So I beg you to hurry and buy this magazine before you fall to floor dead, wishing you had purchased an oversized coat and fairy-tale dress.
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Mrs. Mullet’s Baked Chicken Breast Recipe

The hidden causes of TMJ, aka Mrs. Mullet’s Baked Chicken Breast Recipe

It was 7 o’clock. Dinner had been over for half an hour. The dishes had been cleared, leftovers had been put away. The table had been wiped down. There was talk of pajamas, tooth brushing, and bedtime stories.

I looked over at my five-year-old and noticed he was chewing something.

“Did you get a treat without permission?” I asked. “Gum, perhaps?”

“No, Mom,” he said. “I’m still trying to eat the chicken from dinner.” He took the wad out of his mouth to show me. “It’s taking forever.”

“Still?” [Read more...]

My Top 6 Cooking Disasters and Why None of Them are My Fault

In the kitchen, I’m useless, and always have been. Every attempt I’ve ever made at cooking has been a nightmare. There have been many disasters along the way, but here are the top 5 standouts.

 

Pepperoni and Cardboard Pizza

What happened:

Did you know that you’re not actually supposed to bake a frozen pizza with that round piece of cardboard still under it? Because I sure as hell didn’t.

Who I blame:

This is a clear case of negligence on the part of DiGiornio and I fervently believe that, had my husband not come home and asked “What IS that burning smell?”, our resulting lawsuit (had we survived the fire) would have made us rich beyond our wildest dreams.

Salty Mac and Cheese. 

What happened:

Freshman year of high school, I decided to take a break from being an asshole 14-year old and made dinner for my mom. I have no idea what prompted this idea but I suspect I’d done something stupid and wanted to head off my mom’s wrath by doing something sweet to stifle her rage when she finally got wind of whatever it was.

Uncharacteristically, I decided not to get too ambitious and stuck with the basics for my menu. Grilled cheese sandwiches, with a side of macaroni and cheese. How could I possibly fuck that up?

After a lot of hard labor, I proudly presented my mom with my culinary masterpiece. I watched eagerly as she took her first bites. The grilled cheese went off without a hitch. The mac and cheese, not so much.

Who I Blame:  [Read more...]

Top 10 End-Of-The-World Foods – Heather Davis

Cream of Chicken Soup

If what the Mayans say is true and zombies end the world in 2012 by electing Snookie as president, we must be prepared. We must be prepared to board ourselves up in our homes because let’s face it: we’re not all going to get to Montana in time and besides that, the state is only so big.

I think we learned our lesson in 1999 when we all stocked up on water in preparation of the computers taking over the world in Y2K. Ummm…Water? It’ll take a whole lot more than water to get us through this crisis.  Make sure you have plenty of these items on hand.

 

10. Twinkies: Not only will these delectable snack cakes serve your family for generations to come, but if you unwrap one and let it sit on the counter for 24-hours, it can be used as a weapon. An edible weapon – life is good.

 

9. Taco-Flavored Doritos: These spicy, crunchy triangles of wonder are hard enough to find when everything is right with the world. If you see these, snag them up. Plus, if a zombie breaks into your house and steals them you’ll hear it crunch the chips or crinkle the bag.

 

8. Segram’s Wine Coolers: Popping the top off of a wine cooler will remind you of a much simpler time. A time when you were poor but still wanted to get drunk. A time when you had no lofty expectations or taste. [Read more...]

Rapists, Please Wrap it Up…


I’ve been getting increasingly antsy about the issue of Women’s Reproductive Rights lately.  I’m in no way a political comedian, but I was feeling so fed up about this one issue that I felt I couldn’t not touch on it either with my stand up or a video.  Here in the comedy community we’ve had this major dialogue in the past few months about what’s okay to say and what’s not okay to say in comedy, which is really a never ending dialogue, but was recently made specific to the topic of “rape” after the Daniel Tosh “scandel.”  Meanwhile the people we trust with actual real life legislation relevant to our rights as vagina owners have been making some pretty inept commentary.  It’s not that I think men can’t make laws relating to Women’s Health, but I think if you’ve been charged with a decision that doesn’t directly affect your person, then you at the very least should show up to the table informed.  This video is not the place to get informed, but it’s funny and features some pretty women. Please spread the word to any rapists you may know personally or anyone you suspect of rapey behavior…you know, like your weird Cousin Steve…

- Annie Solstad Laferriere,  3rdWheelComedy.com

Lena Dunham, I love you – Slutty but Funny

Lena Dunham, I love you.

(For those of you who don’t know who Lena Dunham is, she is a genius that at the mere age of 26 has written, produced, acted AND directed the critically acclaimed HBO series “Girls.” And if you really didn’t know who Lena was, I’m going to stop typing now, and find you, and force feed you lard. It’s the only solution to your shortcomings.)

Any who, back to you, Lena. My sweet little dove you. You make me feel content (and slightly proud?) of my current eating and personal hygiene habits.

Let those hata’s hate. They are just jealous of your ridiculous talent and ability to shove four cupcakes in your mouth at once.

Believe me, I’ve lost many a friends because of that stunning feat. It’s sad really but the inability to overeat is and will always be a sore subject for many.

But hey, we are all human. We all have our short comings. I can’t do my 11 times table without two fingers and an iPhone calculator. I have a feeling you and I have that in common.

But let’s get back to your awesomeness. You’re awesome. Well actually, you are cool and all, but now that I think about it, I think I’m in love with your character Hannah, and not you….soooooo this is going to get a little awkward. [Read more...]

10 Things I Love that I can Totally Understand Hating – K A B L O O E Y

10. Anchovies.  Do you know how scientists explain the development of anchovies?  A long time ago, the fishiest tasting fish grew as big as the sun, then collapsed in on itself, to form a super-condensed black hole of ultimate fishiness.

9. Baseball in general, and the Yankees in particular.  Save all your “slower than paint drying” cracks for when you’re tailgating in -14 degree weather at that Bears game.  At least when I watch my team, my eyelashes don’t freeze together.
8. Wes Anderson movies.  It’s true: if you look up “twee” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Anderson in one of his tight little suits.  But Rushmore was awesome and bears repeat viewing.

7. Scuba diving.  A haiku:

In broiling sun,

sucking air out of a hose,

wearing neoprene.

That’s all true, but you are also flying, weightless, like Nemo but without the mom-murder, helicopter dad and fish napping. [Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant, World-renowned Fashion Stylist – Back to School!

Congratulations, Funny Not Slutty readers.

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my first column for FNS.

Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

I have done it all. I have been fired, locked out, or ostracized from nearly every major fashion house. Dolce & Gabbana, Calvin Klein, Forever 21 –  you name the brand, and I have undoubtedly burned them to the ground…..usually figuratively, but on some unfortunate occasions involving hot glue guns, literally.

For today’s column, I will be talking about “back to school” fashion. Normally I do not work with people under 6-feet-tall, but I shall make an exception for your small, sticky creatures.

As I began to look around to see what was “in” among smaller people, I was thrilled to find that some major fashion houses have started their own lines! Finally, someone looked at the market and said, “But what about the wealthy children? What shall THEY wear?” Well, Oscar de la Renta, Gucci, and Dolce & Gabbana now all offer options for the nose-picking set. After all, children are just teeny tiny adults. There’s no need to infantilize them.

Here are a few precious gems I found that are sure to make your child the envy of other children and – more importantly – most adults. [Read more...]

MAKE IT like The Girlfriend Mom: Sex with My Manicurist

I’m not gay (as far as I know) but I would like to get it on with my manicurist. Is that wrong? I’ve always wanted to ‘experiment’ but the opportunity has yet to present itself. Of course it might help if I leave the house once in awhile, but my agoraphobia is a whole other post.

I probably should’ve done something about this when I was in college. Isn’t that when this sort of shit happens? There’s a fraternity party on the quad, and you and your sorority sisters are doing jell-o shots with the men’s AND women’s lacrosse teams, one thing leads to another and the next thing you know, a pillow fight breaks out and you trip and fall right into your roommate’s cooter? At least that’s what I’ve always imagined that it would be like. I know, too many Lifetime movies and porn. [Read more...]