10 Lies Men Text To Women (And The Truth Behind Them!)

Ladies, I am not one to claim to be the guru of all things Man, but I will definitely admit that I know a fair amount about the opposite sex. Why? Because I spend an awful lot of time around them, talking about them, drunkenly (and soberly) texting them, and deciphering their text messages. Male Text-Speak is one of the hardest languages to decipher, so I am here to help you understand how you may currently be deceived. In fact, there are ten very common lies that men text to women on a regular basis. I am sure you and I have received the same text, and not necessarily because we slept with the same guy (if you’re in improv comedy, though, we probably did).

These are ten lies that I know that men text to women, and the truth behind them. Be warned: you may not like what you read, so I would advise you to reach for the cookie dough and preemptively begin eating your feelings. I’ve got my spoonful of peanut butter ready.
 
1. Hey! Wanna hang out later?
You may read that and think “that’s a question,” but in fact, that’s a lie. First of all, “hanging out” is a euphemism for “boning,” so there you have it! You thought he wanted to play Scrabble and watch old episodes of Buffy, and maybe make some stovetop chili if you were getting comfortable. However, “hanging out,” which seems too friendly to be true – in fact is. Men who want to date you don’t want to hang out. They are capable of coming up with more eloquent phrasing than “hanging out.” Like “pasando el rato” for instance. Yes, that’s “spending time” in Spanish, but it demonstrates effort.

You may say – but, Mallory – if a guy just wanted to get it on, wouldn’t he just say text me at 2 AM? Yes, he would! And he would invite you to “hang out.” Believe me, “hang out” is actually “hang out…naked.”

The exception to the I-want-to-bone-you rule is that he has zero interest in you, just as a friend. Then this becomes a text worth crying over, because you’ll just end up buying your own beer and wallowing in your financial independence (or not, if you just want to be his friend. But if you just want to be his friend, too, you’re not analyzing a text.)

More specifically, when is this “later” that we’re hanging out? Vague! I call you out on vagueness!
 
2. Cool.
Again, you may accuse me of claiming that a response like “cool,” is a lie. But let’s be honest for a hot second (since honesty is the key here): have you ever said cool to something that actually was, indeed, cool? If you did, you definitely didn’t use a period. You probably said “cool!” Or “Awesome!” Or “Amazeballs!” (that might just be me, but still). If a guy texts you that what you did over the weekend is “cool,” then he thinks it is lame. End of story. I know this because whenever I tell men what I’m eating or feeling they always just say “cool.”
  [Read more...]

EAT THIS: Thanksgiving Leftovers Faux-Pie – Heather Davis

Fake Pot Pie with Hard Core Mashed Potatoes

The day after Thanksgiving always throws me for a loop. I mean I just spent approximately fourty-two friggin’ hours cooking a meal that takes approximately thirteen minutes to devour but will set out for six hours until it’s picked plum apart. The day after Thanksgiving, then, someone will inevitably say, “Let’s have leftovers.” Ahhh, hell no. We ate the leftovers at about ten thirty last night, and it’s a wonder anyone is even still hungry considering we had enough to feed a squadron of army dudes and actually only had ten people at the meal.

But, eaters be eatin’ and you’ll need to have something to feed them. Here’s my fool-proof plan to earn a spot in the “Day-After-Thanksgiving-Hall-Of-Fame.”

Here’s what you’ll need:

  • 2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
  • 2 cans of turkey gravy (yes cans… you want real gravy, make it yourself)
  • 1 can of mixed vegetables
  • 1 c shredded cheese
  • 2 frozen pie crusts
  • 3 large potatoes
  • ¾ c half and half
  • ½ c butter
  • salt
  • pepper

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, boil two chicken breasts. Add salt and pepper. When the chicken is done, remove it from the broth and add more water. [Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – When is Dressing Stuffing?

Thanksgiving is meant to be a celebratory time, of when the Pilgrims were helped by the Native Americans and there was a horn o’plenty of food. It was a good harvest, and along with eating there were three days of games and social cooperation. Peace among the people, eating together and sharing alike. No one cared that you called it corn and another called it maize. The feast was delicious and it filled your belly; and it was a time that would go down in history.

Giving of what you have to others should bring out some warm fuzzy feelings of love for one another. And Thanksgiving can do that, except when someone reaches across the table and asks another to “pass the dressing, please.” And that person a few chairs down sends a bottle of Wish-bone Green Goddess back their way.

“Excuse me, I asked for the dressing.”

“Right. And so there you go–dressing.”

“No, the dressing. The side dish there, the savory croutons drowned in butter. Please.”

“That would be stuffing. You want stuffing.”

“No, it’s dressing. My mother called it dressing. Pass the dressing, please.”

“Dressing is salad dressing. That’s what I gave you. If it’s stuffing you want, I can give you stuffing.”

“I don’t call it stuffing. Stuffing is made inside the bird. This was made on the side. I’d like that bowl of dressing that was made outside of the turkey. Please.” [Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant: Fashion for Obscure November Holidays

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Happy November, my peasant friends.

November is a month that most people associate with family, and Thanksgiving. But not me: Héléne Bouffant. The month of November is a month of mourning for me.

You see, as a child, while most little girls begged for kittens and ponies, I pleaded for my parents to gift me with a turkey. Oh, how my schoolmates laughed. But ever since first setting eyes on those noble creatures at my Mamaw and Papaw’s farm, I was enchanted.

 

Majestic. Like Helen Gurley Brown wearing a feather wrap.

[Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – Dream Whisperer

One of the very first things we had to do when we woke up as little children, was to find our grandmother and tell her our dreams from the night.

She mentally had the Field Guide to dream interpretation as the backdrop of her mind. My Abuela knew it all; the meaning behind the color of the dress you wore, or whether your hair was loose or pulled tight. You’d present the facts, she’d pose a few questions back to you, and there you’d have it: what your subconscious was trying to tell you.

I’m lucky enough to still remember some of her interpretations and now it’s my children who come to the breakfast table and in between spoonfuls of Frosted Flakes, tell me about the mouse in their dream that tried to come in through the wall behind their bed.

I always begin with the first line of action: information-gathering. [Read more...]

Nice Girls Crew Review – Natalie Wall

Nice Girls CrewThe internets have done it again, gentleladies! And by the internets I mean, Sheetal Sheth, Michelle Krusiec and Lynn Chen along with writer Christine Kwon have combined forces to create what quite possibly might be the next new web-series addiction. Join the NICE GIRL CREW as they embark on the dreaded hell of a book club…amongst friends. Where we learn very quickly that discussing literature with your childhood bffffffff’s ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. But it’s damn effin’ hilarious to watch!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ngcseries

NICE GIRLS CREW is a production of the Center for Asian American Media (CAAM), the non-profit organization behind the San Francisco International Asian American Film Festival (SFIAAFF). The organization celebrated its 30th annual film festival in March of 2012. In addition to producing SFIAAFF, CAAM funds feature-length documentaries, produces narrative films, distributes works to educational organizations, curates work for US public television and Comcast On Demand, and produces original digital media. For more information, visit www.caamedia.org.

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

 

Héléne Bouffant, World-renowned Fashion Stylist – The Top 6 Trends for Fall 2012

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Summer is almost over, and the time has come to cover up your flesh, my saucy whores. But what are the trends for Fall 2012? I had no idea, so I went to the website StyleList.com to find out. Below, I have some of their/my picks for Fall. By the way, you should know that StyleList does not appreciate e-mails that both criticize their site while also asking for a job. Héléne Bouffant is blocked again.

My theme for fall is: “Don’t let that stop you!”
[Read more...]

Lena Dunham, I love you – Slutty but Funny

Lena Dunham, I love you.

(For those of you who don’t know who Lena Dunham is, she is a genius that at the mere age of 26 has written, produced, acted AND directed the critically acclaimed HBO series “Girls.” And if you really didn’t know who Lena was, I’m going to stop typing now, and find you, and force feed you lard. It’s the only solution to your shortcomings.)

Any who, back to you, Lena. My sweet little dove you. You make me feel content (and slightly proud?) of my current eating and personal hygiene habits.

Let those hata’s hate. They are just jealous of your ridiculous talent and ability to shove four cupcakes in your mouth at once.

Believe me, I’ve lost many a friends because of that stunning feat. It’s sad really but the inability to overeat is and will always be a sore subject for many.

But hey, we are all human. We all have our short comings. I can’t do my 11 times table without two fingers and an iPhone calculator. I have a feeling you and I have that in common.

But let’s get back to your awesomeness. You’re awesome. Well actually, you are cool and all, but now that I think about it, I think I’m in love with your character Hannah, and not you….soooooo this is going to get a little awkward. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 11

 

Dear Suniverse,

How can I make enough money so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

Sadly Not a Trust Fund Baby

 

Dear Worker Bee,

This is the question we all ask ourselves when we finally run out of opportunities to hit the snooze bar. It’s a question that plagues us all, and what makes it worse is that there are few good solutions to the problem.

Sure, you can work and save and retire early, like those people do on the infomercials that try and sell you 10 DVDs on how to manage your money for the easy payments of $29.99 per month for three months.

Or you can come from money, like rich people do. If this hasn’t worked out for you, I say, blame your parents. Those bastards fucked things right up for you, didn’t they?

But if neither of those options is a go, you’re left with the following:

Play the lottery. This is not going to make you any money by actually winning, BUT you can become friendly with the guy who sells tickets and create some sort of evil cabal where if he does happen to sell a winning lottery ticket, you can figure out who bought it by looking at the film from the security cameras and stealing the ticket out from under their noses. Or pillows. Or wherever they keep a winning lottery ticket. I wouldn’t know, as I’ve never won.

Marry rich. This is a good option if you haven’t been born rich. A good way to do this is to follow the fine example of one Anna Nicole Smith, who came from nothing and ended up married to The Cryptkeeper – I mean, that old guy in the wheelchair. She’s a hero to us all, except for the whole dying of an overdose thing. I’d stay away from that.

Invent something. I think people who invent stuff are pretty rich, if Bill Gates and the Pinkberry guy are anything to go by. So think of something that you’d like to see in your life, like an at-home pedicure kit that comes with a recording of someone talking shit about you in another language so that you can have smooth feet and an inferiority complex without having to go anywhere.

Since I can’t think of cool stuff to make, I’ll be over here, practicing my pole dancing moves.

Relaxing in the cabin of my private jet,
Suniverse
[Read more...]

Shades FnS Interview by Slutty but Funny (Natalie Wall)

Let’s get real, women of America. You want a book that will make all your lady-parts tingle in unexplainable ways? Oh wait… You actually do want a book that makes your lady-parts tingle in unexplainable ways? I thought that’s why they invented Youporn.com. People still read porn? Gross.

Anywho, I was lucky enough to sit (in front of my computer) and converse with author Court Burback (via e-mail) about her latest e-book, “A Coupla Shades of Taupe.” It’s got sex, it’s got intrigue, and VD. It’s got a shit ton of VD!

Download her book IMMEDIATELY and read my interview with this lovely lady…

[Read more...]