How to Survive the Office Christmas Party from The Awkwardista

office christmas party

It’s the holiday season again and you know what that means. It’s time for gift giving, merriment, and the office Christmas party. Spending eight hours with your co-workers five days a week isn’t enough. Now you have to dedicate a few of the precious hours you spend away from the office to them in the form of an awkward social event.

Making it through the potential catastrophe known as the office Christmas party isn’t as difficult as it may seem. Just follow my advice.

Dress up. It’s Christmas. It’s time to show your holiday cheer by wearing that reindeer sweater you bought on clearance last year. [Read more...]

5 ways to avoid human interaction at a grocery store from The Awkwardista

 grocery

Every socially awkward person knows that the best way to avoid feeling uncomfortable in a social situation is to avoid it. Unfortunately, no matter how much you try to avoid them social situations find you.

One of the worst places for accidental social situations is the grocery store. Here are my top five tips for avoiding strangers who want to talk to you while you’re minding your own business trying to determine the ripeness of a cantaloupe.

  1. Cough.      I find that a loud phlegmy cough does wonders for getting people to keep their distance. The cough should come from deep in your chest. Forcing a cough can be rough on the throat. It may even be painful, but if it keeps the guy who squeezed his junk into spandex bike shorts from approaching you to explain how to pick out a ripe melon, isn’t the pain worth it? If you can actually produce some phlegm and spit it into the nearly disintegrated tissue you keep in your pocket that will help even more.
  2. Dance.      There’s always music in the grocery store. They tend towards light hits like Lionel Richie and Elton John. It doesn’t really matter what the music is though. Actually you don’t need to have music at all. All you need is the ability to move and some imagination. Dancing is an art and the type of dancing that will keep strangers away is less foxtrot and more Martha Graham. Be expressive. Large arm movements force strangers to keep their distance.
  3. Sing.      You don’t necessarily have to sing along to the music that’s actually playing. You may want to sing something completely different. It doesn’t really matter what you’re singing just as long as you sing it badly. You wouldn’t want anyone to compliment you on your singing. Then you might be forced to talk to them. Make sure you look like you’re really into it. Most people won’t want to interrupt your artistic moment.
  4. Argue.      I’ve found that if you are having an argument with someone on your cell phone most people in the grocery store will avoid you. You could go one of  two ways on this. You could just pretend to be arguing with someone on your phone, but if you’re a terrible actor, like me, you’ll have difficulty pulling that off. I find it best to call someone in my contact list and pick a fight with them. Yes, you are technically interacting with someone if you do that, but the fact that you’ve interacted with that person before makes it easier. If you like the person, call them back later to apologize. You don’t have to do that though. The fewer friends you have the fewer socially awkward situations you’ll find yourself in.
  5. Fart.      A toxic cloud of malodorous gas is the ultimate protection from social interaction. Eat a big bowl of chili or a bean burrito the size of your head before you go to the store. Then just let ‘em rip. Not only will you feel tremendous relief, but you’ll clear the aisles.

Follow these guidelines and you’ll never have to worry about having to speak to a stranger in the grocery store again.

 

H. Lovelyn Bettison

H. Lovelyn Bettison is an author and blogger. Read about the funny side of life on her blog Nebulous Mooch where life is all sunshine and sausages.

Announcing Sole Provisions Short Essay Contest Winners!

funny-writing-contest

1st Prize – Lovelyn of Nebulous Mooch

Lovelyn wins a pair of Fitflops OR Orthaheel SHOES from Sole Provisions!

2 Runners Up – John “Cork” Corcoran (most creative) and K A B L O O E Y (funniest line…hint, “smoothies”)

The winning entries are below, and you can check out all entries in comments of the original contest post.

 

I Sold My Soul by Lovelyn

Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but I sold my soul to the devil to be able to cook. Yeah, that probably wasn’t the best exchange. First of all, I wasn’t specific enough. I wanted to be a world class chef with my own show on the Food Network. I don’t know if you’ve watched the Food Network lately, but I’m not on it.

Instead of magically knowing how to make perfect French sauces and rich desserts, I’m the casserole queen of my block. I can mix a can of soup, veggies and chicken in an oven-safe glass dish, stick it in the oven, and get perfect results every time. I don’t even like casseroles, but now I’m stuck bringing covered dishes to pot lucks and PTA meetings.

People eat my casseroles and ask me what the secret is for making them so perfectly every time. I simply shrug and wonder if I’ll still be making casseroles in Hell.

I obviously wasn’t thinking straight when I made the deal, but you know how the Devil is. Once you sign on the dotted line there’s no getting out. I wonder if Hell will be as hot as my kitchen is now that the oven is always on.

 

Untitled Entry by John “Cork” Corcoran

It was a dark and stormy night when I busted my sole while busting a move to “Soul Man” at a Seoul Hilton Karaoke night.

“What do you think of that as my lead sentence?” I asked Vincenta Faborgini, my hard working agent and confidante.

“In a word? ‘Overkill’,” she said, taking a drag of her Pall Mall.

“You can’t be a smoker,” I replied. “They won’t allow smokers in a winning Essay.” [Read more...]

International World State Pushup Champion ~ H. Lovelyn Bettison

funny champion

What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
-  Napoleon Hill

I’ve heard this quote a hundred times, but never really believed it until just the other day. You may wonder what changed. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you.

It was a Wednesday when I looked in the mirror and noticed the lack of definition in my arms. I was devastated until I realized that I had the power to change. So I got down on the floor right then and there and did a pushup … okay it was a half pushup. It was more like a quarter of a pushup, but it was close enough. That’s how it all began.
 

I’m writing this to you Funny not Slutties today as the International World State Pushup Champion. That’s right. All you need is a dream and a random combination of words ending with the word champion and you too could be a winner like me!

Don’t believe me? Just watch this interview I did with International World State Champions of the Universe Video Magazine for proof.

 

H. Lovelyn Bettison

H. Lovelyn Bettison is an author and blogger. Read about the funny side of life on her blog Nebulous Mooch where life is all sunshine and sausages.

Who Said It’s Hard to Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions? – H. Lovelyn Bettison

Deep Fried Bubble Gum

If you’re anything like me The New Year’s Resolutions you made have already gone totally off the rails. That’s okay. Do you know anyone who keeps their New Year’s Resolutions anyway?

Self-improvement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Who really wants to be healthier, smarter, and have fewer bad habits? Not me, that’s for sure. I have too many other more important things to do like sit on my butt watching Lifetime movies, look at unattractive pictures of celebrities in gossip magazines, and think of something new to deep fry. Okay the last thing isn’t true. I’ve never deep fried anything in my life. All that hot oil scares me.

If I did actually deep fry something, I would be keeping my resolution to conquer my fears. Maybe there are deep fried marshmallows in my future. Is that a thing or did I make it up? If I did, don’t steal my idea.

Once I get over this deep frying fear I could market my deep fried marshmallows and make bundles. That would take care of my resolution to make more money. Wow … that’s like killing two birds with one stone. I’m brilliant. Wait a minute … does that mean I just achieved my goal to be a little smarter this year? Oh my goodness, I think I did. [Read more...]