Eat This – Momma’s Effin’ Cocktailed-Up Sangria

Momma loves a good Sangria … it’s fizzy and fuzzy and fruity and lots of other “F” words. But, according to my friend who claims to be a gourmet chef, sangria is hard to make. (Just because your macaroni doesn’t come from a blue box doesn’t mean you’re gourmet, but that’s just my blue-box’ed opinion.) She says you need a bunch of different kinds of expensive liquor and pure cane sugar flown into the mainland by homing Toucans, and it needs to sit in your fridge melding for days on end.

I cry Bullshit. If you can’t drink a drink as soon as it’s mixed, it just ain’t worth it. So, here ya go:

  • 3 (three) bottles of any kind of cheap red wine. The cheaper the better, I always say!
  • 1 (one) liter bottle of 7-up. Why 7-up? It’s the cheapest!
  • 1 can of crushed pineapple. Do not drain it.
  • 1 can fruit cocktail. Again, don’t drain this goodness.
  • 3 – 4 oranges, thinly sliced

In a big ol’ jar—think big…maybe even a sun-tea jar, y’all!—pour in two (2) of the bottles of cheap red wine, the bottle of 7-up, the can of pineapple, the can of fruit cocktail and the slices of oranges. Stir it up real good with a ladle.

And you know what? It’s good to drink now. Right now. Just pop some ice in a plastic cup that you brought home from the BBQ joint, scoop some sangria right in there, swirl it around some and drink up. This will store in the fridge for a few days, if you don’t drink it up first.

And if that snooty, gourmet friend of yours ever shows up, just give her a glass from that third bottle of cheap-ass red wine. You will not want to share this Cocktailed-Up Sangria.

 

Heather Davis

Click Here to see Heather’s Page
Heather Davis, Minivan Momma, has figured it all out. Follow along as she shares her tricks on how to juggle being a full-time, work-outside-the-home momma with two crazy, start-the-day-fighting daughters all while keeping her home neat and tidy, her toilets clean and her husband satisfied in bed (and not just on Saturday nights!). OK – it’s only one “trick”. The trick is to ignore it all. Also, drink lots of sangria. And laugh every day. You’re always welcome to laugh at her! http://www.facebook.com/IAmMinivanMomma

 

EAT THIS: Thanksgiving Leftovers Faux-Pie – Heather Davis

Fake Pot Pie with Hard Core Mashed Potatoes

The day after Thanksgiving always throws me for a loop. I mean I just spent approximately fourty-two friggin’ hours cooking a meal that takes approximately thirteen minutes to devour but will set out for six hours until it’s picked plum apart. The day after Thanksgiving, then, someone will inevitably say, “Let’s have leftovers.” Ahhh, hell no. We ate the leftovers at about ten thirty last night, and it’s a wonder anyone is even still hungry considering we had enough to feed a squadron of army dudes and actually only had ten people at the meal.

But, eaters be eatin’ and you’ll need to have something to feed them. Here’s my fool-proof plan to earn a spot in the “Day-After-Thanksgiving-Hall-Of-Fame.”

Here’s what you’ll need:

  • 2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
  • 2 cans of turkey gravy (yes cans… you want real gravy, make it yourself)
  • 1 can of mixed vegetables
  • 1 c shredded cheese
  • 2 frozen pie crusts
  • 3 large potatoes
  • ¾ c half and half
  • ½ c butter
  • salt
  • pepper

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, boil two chicken breasts. Add salt and pepper. When the chicken is done, remove it from the broth and add more water. [Read more...]

Top 10 End-Of-The-World Foods – Heather Davis

Cream of Chicken Soup

If what the Mayans say is true and zombies end the world in 2012 by electing Snookie as president, we must be prepared. We must be prepared to board ourselves up in our homes because let’s face it: we’re not all going to get to Montana in time and besides that, the state is only so big.

I think we learned our lesson in 1999 when we all stocked up on water in preparation of the computers taking over the world in Y2K. Ummm…Water? It’ll take a whole lot more than water to get us through this crisis.  Make sure you have plenty of these items on hand.

 

10. Twinkies: Not only will these delectable snack cakes serve your family for generations to come, but if you unwrap one and let it sit on the counter for 24-hours, it can be used as a weapon. An edible weapon – life is good.

 

9. Taco-Flavored Doritos: These spicy, crunchy triangles of wonder are hard enough to find when everything is right with the world. If you see these, snag them up. Plus, if a zombie breaks into your house and steals them you’ll hear it crunch the chips or crinkle the bag.

 

8. Segram’s Wine Coolers: Popping the top off of a wine cooler will remind you of a much simpler time. A time when you were poor but still wanted to get drunk. A time when you had no lofty expectations or taste. [Read more...]

God Bless American Hamburgers, Finger Food Edition

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

We excitedly opened our invitation to a friend’s annual July 4th cookout. At the bottom, in fine print, was her new jacked-up plan: We won’t be grilling out; bring finger food to share. What? It’s the fourth of July. No grilled food? When the hell…did the French take over?

I called her and told her that here behind the Iron Curtain, we had burgers for the Fourth of July. It was the American symbol of liberty and overindulgence. Plus, I’m pretty sure Rush Limbaugh wrote it into the Patriot Act. She giggled and said they were going for a more sophisticated menu. I slammed the phone down on her ear. We contemplated not going to such a high-brow, frou-frou event; but that would mean I’d have to cook an entire meal. Instead, I decided to make some finger burgers to share. One way or another, we were going to have burgers for Independence Day. God Bless America and American hamburgers!

1 ½ lbs ground beef, that’s the stuff burgers are made of. I’m sure the hostess would have preferred organic, free-range beef, but I just bought what was on sale at Hellmart – it’s the American way.

8 oz Velveeta, I’m not even sure it’s any kind of cheese, much less actual food, but damn! It’s good stuff!

2 T ketchup or catsup or BBQ sauce if you wanna go all fancy-schmancy

1 T mustard, just the yellow stuff

½ T garlic powder, you could mince a clove, but let’s not get carried away here.

salt, pepper, however much you want – it’s your burger and you are FREE to flavor it as your wish. Thank you, George Washington for our freedom to pursue flavor.

½ onion, minced finely, or not finely – it’s a free country! [Read more...]

Keeping It Real – Like the Pioneer Woman

A Pioneer Woman Parody by Heather Davis.


On Saturday mornings, when we raise our heads at the crack of dawn (or about 3 hours afterwards), we like to have a nice family breakfast (when we’re lucky enough to have all the ingredients together – otherwise it’s each man for himself!). We start with gathering the eggs. Expiration dates? Did you know there are expiration dates on eggs? Really? You did? I had no clue. But I say, screw it! They’re pasteurized, right? Besides, if I get sick, the stay in the hospital will be a nice break … I’m just keeping it real, here!

sausage
Lucky us! We found some sausage! The expiration date is very important on sausage; however, it was on the part of the package that is no longer with the sausage. There were no fumes or green tints, so we used it.  This sausage is not organic or freshly ground.  I don’t believe in actually making my own sausage. I do believe in buying the cheapest, fattiest sausage I can find at Hellmart, which I live just down the street from.  I’m just keeping it real here! [Read more...]

FnS Hot Shit Cinco De Mayo Salsa

cincodemayosalsa
Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

I would really like to be one of those chicks who gardens all spring and summer long and shares her bounty with neighbors and starving children. But, I’m not. I grow dandelion trees. Trees. And you can’t eat dandelion trees. Or at least I’m not going to eat that. Despite my lack of a green thumb, earth-hugging, farmer’s-market rope sandal lifestyle, I do make a really great salsa.

I get all the freshly-grown stuff I need at Hellmart, which gets it from some third-world farming nation paying the farmers three-cents per case of peppers. That’s savings that’s passed on to me. [Read more...]

Eat This! Carrot Cake or Bust

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

I was in, like, total desperate need of a miracle, for sure. I needed my breasts to be bitchin’ and now! Then, heaven sent a miracle to me in the form on John Hughes and his gnarly story of every almost-16 year old in the world. In 16 Candles, Samantha is fraught for her boobal region to expand so she eats carrots in the hopes of her budding bosom developing into big ol’ honkin’ hooters. Well, if Molly Ringwald did it, it must be legit.

I ate carrots like Ms. Pacman ate ghosts. As I’d devour a carrot in the lunchroom, the Preppies would all cheer and congratulate me. “Awesome to the Max!” they’d holler.

One weekend I went to a totally tubular party and watched Fast Times at Ridgemont High. In the movie, Linda and Stacy are eating carrots in their lunchroom. Clearly, natural breast enhancement is universal. Then, Linda advises Stacy to just slide it in. Like, gag me. They’re practicing BJs! Those preps with their up-turned collars and their tight-rolled 504 button-flies weren’t congratulating me; they were laughing at me, duh!

I had to do something, like, totally radical to get my carrots. So, I made carrot cake cupcakes. I sat with the hosers in the school cafeteria. And I’m still a B cup. [Read more...]

Eat This! Give-me-chocolate-or-give-me-death Brownies


Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

Every month there comes a time when a woman just wants to be comforted and only chocolate will do. I do not care how totally awesome your new boyfriend is; he will not do. I do not care if your husband held your hair back through 56 weeks of morning sickness; he’s not what you will want. LOOK! Unless it’s that time when YOU need your chocolate, you just won’t get it, so go ahead and shut up and read the recipe! File it away until your Aunt Flow starts knocking on your door then make it. You’re welcome. Geez…

Ingredients

  • 1 pkg large fudge brownie mix
    (No it doesn’t matter what brand. Just grab a box – any box – as long as it is the “large” kind. It might say “family” but you will not be sharing these with your family.)
  • 1 6-oz container vanilla yogurt
    (Trust me: This is not healthy. You will like it.)
  • 1/3 c butter, softened
    (Real butter. Do not think that margarine or canola oil or any of that other pansy-fake-butter-crap will do. It won’t.)
  • 1 t vanilla
    (If any of your super-lucky friends have been to Mexico lately, have them bring you back some Mexican vanilla. And some tequila. And a leather purse – everything’s a steal down there!) [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Too-Damn-Early-Breakfast Casserole

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

I don’t do mornings well… or at all. So imagine my utter fit-throwing when I decided to go to bed at about 1 in the AM after a wild-night of Facebooking only to discover that I had to fix breakfast for 60 people in the morning for church. There was No. Freakin’. Way. After I whined and wished upon a star that we could just skip Sunday all together, I quickly ran to Hellmart and grab my supplies, dumped it all in the crockpot and went to sleep hoping for the best. As it turns out, it was pretty good!

Ingredients

  • 1 20-oz bag of frozen shredded hashbrowns (if you’re felling all Pioneer-Woman-ish you can absolutely shred your own potatoes or dice them whatever – knock yourself out! As for me and my house, we will buy frozen.)
  • 18 large eggs
  • 2 c milk
  • 3 c shredded cheese, any kind you wish. I used 2 c of cheddar and 1 c of mozzarella (Again, shred your own if you’re self-righteous and whatnot and have unlimited time on your hands; I am not above buying the pre-shredded stuff)
  • 1 pkg of pre-cooked bacon, chopped (Seeing a theme here? Do not work if you don’t have to!) [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Lasagna a la Leftovers

leftovers-lasagna

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

This year I thought the Quartering Act of the American Revolution had been reinstated for Christmas, and I made enough for me and mine and approximately half of the 101st Airborne Squadron.  When the day came to an end, I threw every left over in it’s own plastic container in the freezer.  This week, I discovered I don’t have any plastic containers, so I pulled out all the leftovers.  At the sight of the leftovers, my family – very supportively – said, “Ahhhh, hellz to the no, Momma!”  (Direct quote from Tween Daughter) I had to think quick…So I made lasagna.

Ingredients:

2 c leftover stuffing or dressing (however you say it at your house)

1 c chicken stock

2 c leftover turkey or chicken or ham (whatever you eat at your house)

2 c leftover gravy

1 can’s worth of whatever leftover veggies you have (or, if you just tossed the inconsequential veggies down the drain on the big day like someone you know and love use a can of your favorite vegetables – favorite?  Who has a favorite… just a can, drained, of whatever kind of veggies are in your pantry )

1 c of your favorite shredded cheese (cheese makes everything better, can I get an “Amen?”) [Read more...]