Héléne Bouffant: Fashion for Obscure November Holidays

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Happy November, my peasant friends.

November is a month that most people associate with family, and Thanksgiving. But not me: Héléne Bouffant. The month of November is a month of mourning for me.

You see, as a child, while most little girls begged for kittens and ponies, I pleaded for my parents to gift me with a turkey. Oh, how my schoolmates laughed. But ever since first setting eyes on those noble creatures at my Mamaw and Papaw’s farm, I was enchanted.

 

Majestic. Like Helen Gurley Brown wearing a feather wrap.

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For only $19.95, Shit Can “Get Real” This Christmas! – Leslie Goshko

christmas funnyParents: are you tired of stressing over how to explain the existence of Santa Claus to your child? Do you fret that dashing your offspring’s dreams will leave them in years of therapy with only you to blame? Or worse, that some snotty classmate of theirs will beat you to the punch, thus subjecting you to endure melodramatic shrieks of “You’re a liar! A LIAR!”? Well fear no more! For the low low price of just $19.95, you can take yourself off the hook with the new Santa’s Little Helper “Shit Just Got Real” doll! This adorable plush elf doll comes complete with reversible holiday vest, bell-laden shoes that really jingle, and all the things you can’t bring yourself to say! Simply squeeze Little “Shit Just Got Real”’s tummy, and with a giggle, he’ll let your child know:

Diabetes doesn’t care if you’re “jolly!”

Mommy’s dating a Jew now!

and

It’s called “venison” and it’s delicious!

Order now, and for an additional $5.99 you can receive our limited edition “Shit Just Got Real” Advent calendar, featuring not one, but TWO life-like houses–one for weekends at Mommy’s, and one for Daddy’s (chocolate not included). [Read more...]

Eat This! Loaded Balls

 

christmas-balls-funny

 

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

Be sure to tell your guests to keep a napkin handy because these balls are juicy and will squirt in their mouths and dribble down their chins if they aren’t careful. Some might swallow; some might try it, but spit it out; and many guests won’t even eat them after you tell them this and that would leave more for you!

3 slices bread, cubed (or if you have a child who decided to make bread soup by dumping a whole loaf of bread in a bowl of water the day you decided to cook these, you could just use 1 cup of bread crumbs)

1 c milk

1 egg

½ t garlic salt

1 t salt

½ c chopped celery (or celery seed for the picky husband who refuses to eat celery, but doesn’t notice one single bit when you use celery seed)

½ c chopped onion

1 lb hamburger

1 lb hot sausage (bulk)

(Or you can do 2 lbs hamburger or 2 lbs turkey if you’re all “Biggest Loser” and whatnot) [Read more...]