‘Twas the Diet Before Christmas… ~ Alexandra

christmas sweater

This was my plan for this year’s season of gluttony. Something I proudly came up with by myself. It’s called pre-weight losing, patent pending.

My idea was to hit the Foodtober holiday months down 10 pounds, to be at my fighting weight… ready to fight the inevitable weight gain of parties, gatherings, food events and 500 calorie drinks. Enter the ring swinging, get it? Not exit it arms whirling as I try to wrangle my ass into clothes that fit just fine in October but not the months of Foodtober.

It really bugs me to have a big butt for the sole reason I hate wearing clothes that are uncomfortable. That’s the only reason right there. The binding seams, the zippers digging into my flesh, the buttons leaving their imprint down my stomach so I look like Frankenstein. I just can’t deal with the discomfort. And having nothing to wear drives me crazy. And so does not being able to find anything to buy to wear. I mean, at my pre-foodtober weight there are things to wear, but the after holiday bloat weight… nope. After the 18 months it’ll take me to lose these ten pounds that it took ten minutes to put on, I’ll find stuff… but now, what designer wants me advertising their wares across these buns? “Hey! Dying to look like this? Buy our pants!!” I don’t think so.

Also on the list of my weight gain peeves is the way I look like I shoved a pillow down the back of my pants, like I used to do in high school. Except this time I’m not doing it for laughs. My kids think I am and pull out the camera, “Mom! You’re so funny! Let me get this on film!” Turn around and knock over that lamp again!,” but um no, kids… there really is no pillow back there. [Read more...]