Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 1

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

I am about to move to a very small town, where I will no doubt immediately alienate most of the population, terrify some and enrage the rest. Do you think I should I buy a red or yellow bicycle for the road raging event that I am sure will see the end of me?

Small Town Problems  [Read more...]

Six Random People I’ve Found on Facebook and Why I Love Them

by Blythe Jewell

1. Debbie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is Debbie. I love Debbie because she looks both scared and happy at the same time.  I’m pretty sure this is the result of a bad Botox experience, but the fact that she chose this as her profile picture makes me wonder.

The tan lines are just a bonus.

If this is the way Debbie normally looks, I’m guessing she does a lot of clenching. Probably a big fan of stress balls.  And kegels.

2.  Jan and Jimmy.

I love Jan and Jimmy because they’re just regular folks who like to put a few beers back and party.  Somebody probably got lucky after this picture was taken but I’m not sure if it was Jimmy or the random dude in the background who seems to have a booger.

At the very least, some boobs were flashed on this night.  I’m SURE of it.

3. The Comic-Con Crowd

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It will probably shock you to know that this photo was taken at a technology conference.  I can’t remember the names of all the people who were tagged here but they probably prefer to go by their video game aliases, anyway.  I CAN tell you that two of the people here are married to each other.  I like to imagine that the wedding ceremony was some combination of Harry Potter and Stargate SG-1.  The bride would have been in a blood red corset and black lipstick.  The groom would have worn tights and carried a sword. Guests would be in awe of the personalized Star Trek tea light holders.

4.  The Kissy-Face Girls

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are the Kissy Face Girls.  I have no idea what their real names are, but does it matter?  They’re totally interchangeable and any one of them will offer up random blow jobs after two or three Sex on the Beaches.  That’s really all you need to know.

I love them because I can walk into any nightclub in any city of the world and find them there.

5. The Devil

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the Devil. And his wife.  On Christmas.

 

6. John

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is John.  John is my favorite because of the bike shorts and his perfectly encased package and enormous calf muscles.  He’s clearly proud of himself for being wherever he is and has no idea why everyone who sees this photo assumes he’s gay.

He’s just SO HAPPY, this guy.  He makes ME happy.  John is why I love Facebook.

 

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/.  Also available for childrens’ parties.