Jeanne Robertson – This is why you don’t hear about Pashminas anymore

Jeanne Robertson knows how to dress in New York City.

Slutty But Funny – wait…why am I single?

by Natalie Wall

It has recently come to my attention that I am single. And by recently I mean this past month and by this past month I mean since I was nine.

My dad thinks it’s because I’m (and I quote) “too pretty”… but I’m pretty sure it may have something to do with my serious opinions about flavored mayo…. I’m sorry but there is only one flavor of mayo and it’s called mayo…get this “lemony-zest” mayo shit out of my face, you fascist bastard.

Did I just shake you up? Good.

Whew. I’m all sweaty now…this may also be part of the problem (the sweat, that is).

I’m weird. It’s cool. I get it. I figured this out when I was 13 at my local Pizza Hut…don’t ask.

Whatever, it will probably make me famous, bitches. Or, at the very least, that sassy spray-paint huffing, cat lady in the Reeboks and pastel wind suit, which are both classy and versatile, thank you very much.

In all honesty, I should have been a dude. I dream about peeing while standing, I kick ass at beer pong and I fucking love porn. Like really, porn is a beautiful, beautiful thing… a man and a woman and a man and two other men in a loving embrace…who wouldn’t love that?

Okay, with even more honesty…I’m perfect. Don’t act like you weren’t already thinking it. My farts smells like butterflies (if they were dead), my love bubbles (boobs) are symmetrical (most of the time) and I have mediocre sex (at best).

Okay, fine, whatever.

Live in your impossible standards world, gentlemen. But come on, I’m not that bad of a choice; it’s either me (read above) or that sexually acceptable girl losing her shit to the newest Bieber song who is on her fourth Appletini stumbling towards the bar with her side boobage hanging out …oh… I get it now…

If it’s any consolation I’ll take out my retainer before talking to you this time. I totally understand why that freaked you out…

My ortho said the lisp wouldn’t last that long…she lied.

But seriously… why am I still single?

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comdian but the reality is she is unemployed college graduate living with her parents. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City,  she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

Bubble and Squeak – Harvard Beets

harvard beets

Bubble and Squeak is a Funny not Slutty food column by humorist Elizabeth Bastos.

There is a recipe for beets in The Joy of Cooking called “Harvard Beets.”  Beets  are not an Ivy League food; mizuna is, microgreens are, a coulis of frambois sauvage is, as is anything served in a terrine.  I’d be disappointed if my money and my kid were going to Harvard for $50,000 or one billion dollars or whatever tuition is and received the following text: Hi Mom. Go Crimson! BTW beets for dinner, again.

The closest anyone in my family may get to paying full-freight to Harvard is Harvard beets, so I made them just to get ever that much closer. I told the kids, “These beets will make you smart so that you will go to Harvard and become cardiologists and support me in my old age.”
“What about strong, Mom? I want to be strong.” My 5 year old son said.
 ”I want to be a princess.” said my 3 year old daughter. [Read more...]

Bubble and Squeak: Short Cocktail History of My Summer Hook-Ups


This is the first installation of Bubble and Squeak, a Funny not Slutty food column by humorist Elizabeth Bastos.

The Short Cocktail History of My Summer Hook-Ups,
circa 1998

 

Tequila Shot

Frozen Margarita

Bar Peanuts

Tequila Shot

Frozen Margarita

Tequila Shot

Flaming Scorpion Bowl, very suggestively outfitted with two straws

Jalapeno Poppers

Nachos with Everything, including the vow I made to myself to be celibate forever; my last boyfriend was a jerk [Read more...]