Jessica Delfino

10 Women Who Rock Comedy

Have no fear, there are no ukuleles here. This is a collection of my favorite funny female singers who happen to actually rock. I thought it would be a good way to end the year at FnS.

I want to thank all of our columnists and contributors and everyone has helped to make FnS a geat place to go for comedy by women. You have kept me laughing all year. Watch for the “Year of FnS” for our top 20 list of most viewed posts that I’ll publish sometime on the 1st.

Happy New Year!
Jacki Schklar

Margaret Cho

Kate Rigg – Slanty Eyed Mama

 Killy Dwyer – Kill The Band


[Read more...]

Choose the perfect wedding dress with Jessica Delfino

Jessica Delfino is getting married and she is writing about it on Funny not Slutty. Jessica has been searching for the perfect wedding dress and shares some of her most exciting finds.

Before you buy this dress, take a short pre-qualifing exam:
Are you 14? Are you getting married against your will to a man 30 years your senior? Are you Asian? Are you a woman who
was never allowed to play? If you answered “yes” to one or more questions, well, this dress is for you, milady — I mean, michild.

OMG, this is the perrrrfect dress if you collect injured pigeons
or if you are Natalie Portman in “Black Swan” [Read more...]

Dumb Ass Wedding Songs – Jessica Delfino

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Now Introducing the Bride and Groom and Their Dumb Ass Wedding Song

by Jessica Delfino

Dancing in a gown while my entire family watches is enough to reawaken every pathos and neurosis I managed to stuff way, way down inside my self, the way I used to with tissue paper in a brassiere. Used to? Who am I kidding. I did it last week. The bride and groom dance scares me almost as much as a fiery death also involving spiders. OK, let’s break it down. The way this typically works is, some dude you never met and probably don’t care much for who somehow conned you into forking over upwards of three grand to dick around with some of his favorite music for a few hours will introduce you as man and wife for the first time to whatever song you and your fiancé either caringly choose together or settle on, like you may have each other.

Today, we discuss some of the most popular songs for the newly wed bride and groom dance, and what it says about them.

A Whole New World, “Alladin” Sound Track

12 year olds, Arabians, Disney princess, those planning to come out of the closet at some point in the near future, practical “ironic” jokesters doing the best and most elaborate joke of their lives, those paid to use it, or a couple who forgot to specify what song they wanted, and this was the first song that came up on random. In short, I can’t think of one realistic reason that anyone might be doing any kind of dancing at all to this song at their wedding. I can already see in the comments, someone writing, “I like that song!” Please also note which one you are, above.

Always, Atlantic Starr

OK, so, this song owns in both an ironic and a totally for real way, and may very well be the song I choose for my wedding song. What does that say about me? Well, that I used to love rollerskating when I was 10, for one. Speaking of Atlantic Starr –

Secret Lovers, Atlantic Starr

It’s a nice coincidence that Atlantic Starr also boasts the rad “Secret Lovers” ballad about an illicit romantic affair. Play that song at your wedding if your husband left his wife to be with you. You won! Celebrate life’s little achievements.

Crazy, Patsy Cline

This is a great song to dance to at your wedding if you are Carole Boone (who married Ted Bundy), Doreen Lioy (who married Richard Ramirez), Tammi Saccoman (who married Erik Menendez), Rebecca Sneed (who married Lyle Menendez), and anyone else who is marrying a man on death row, because your ass be crazy.

Don’t Know Much, Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville [Read more...]

Yeah, Sure, Of Course, Totally, & Fine, I Do, OK?

Note from the Editor: Jessica Delfino is getting married, and she is writing about it in this new column on FnS.

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Breaking Down Weddings, or, Why Weddings Equal Break Downs

By Jessica Delfino

Marriage — everyone’s favorite institution, or, at least, the only one where the food is typically half way decent.

If you are married, you know it costs a small fortune to do something so simple seeming as “tying a knot.” However, most knots don’t cost you (or your parents) about the same as a year of college tuition to tie. Except maybe the “six exploding knots” which could also be a euphemism for what happens when the two families combine at many weddings.

Also, generally, most knots are a hell of a lot cheaper to untie. [Read more...]

Zombie Lullaby – Jessica Delfino

By Jessica Delfino, follow her on twitter.

The worst part of New York is leaving it. There is no easy way to do it. If you take a bus, it could flip over and decapitate you. If you take a train, you have to ride on a train. Driving isn’t even an option.

But when a strange man invited me out of the blue to sing my ditties in a syndicated TV show that he was somehow involved in which featured zombies, an exit strategy was in order. There was talk of a hot tub, a small exchange of money and free food. Did someone say free food? The Scooby Doo meets Garfield in me clicked “LIKE” on the internal comment thread going on in my brain.

I googled the producers and people associated with the show to make sure they weren’t an off-spin of the Manson cult, and found no sufficient evidence proving or disproving any such link. ‘Good enough’, my inner warrior princess assured my outer twisted minstrel. “Let’s all go to New Jersey”, the various voices in my Gemini head announced. Well, one was singing.

At Penn Station, I met just the sweetest couple you have ever laid eyes on, who would be my escorts and advisors on this zombie adventure. We had a great chat about the biz, shared raisins or some such snack, laughed and also just cut right through the crap. In short, a great ride was had by all.

 We were greeted by our driver, a very friendly fellow who led us to our coach, a Mini Cooper, and chauffered us to the studio, simultaneously taking us on a brief and exhilarating tour of Princeton, NJ. When we pulled up in front of the studio, the place looked haunted. It was abandoned looking, with spotty patches of grass and no movement near or around it. It was the perfect place to film a TV show about zombies. It crossed my mind that this was not a TV show at all, but a real event involving real zombies. [Read more...]

Jessica Delfino Knows How to Craft Vagina Material

Jessica Delfino

One of our favorite Funnies is Jessica Delfino, who really knows vagina material. After all, her pussy IS magic… Jessica speaks and sings confidently about her vagina in this lovely performance on Ars Nova NYC. And in the second video she is interviewed by Ted the Puppet and converses about her glamorous Tampax Christmas Ornaments, for which it is definitely the season. Buy one of these little gems today!

Top 10 Reasons Vatooing is Better Than Vajazzling

 vajazzling_vatooing

The FnS Vagina Trifecta – Bryce Gruber, Lizzy the Lezzy and Jessica Delfino have a new top 10 list just for you! Take a look at the top 10 reasons why the newest vajay-jay trend might knock vajazzling out of pretty pussy contention

Bryce Gruber at The Luxury Spot brings the new vatooing phenomenon to our attention.

#10 reason vatooing is better than vajazzling:

So that someone can invent special “Scratch n sniff” vatoo paint!

#9 reason vatooing is better than vajazzling:

You don’t have to wonder whether the missing crystal that came unstuck has found its way up somewhere it shouldn’t.

#8 reason vatooing is better than vajazzling:

You don’t have to try and pronounce “Swarovski”

#7 reason vatooing is better than vajazzling:

Because nothing says “you’re not fucking me the right way” like a little glow in the dark paint on your pussy.

#6 reason vatooing is better than vajazzling:

Safety first: you won’t chip your tooth on a vatoo.

#5 reason vatooing is better than vajazzling:

Because people don’t really like Jazz that much, including on vaginas.

#4 reason vatooing is better than vajazzling:

 Because everyone thinks that vajazzling is trashy, where as tattoos, especially around the va JJ immediately connote class.

#3 reason vatooing is better than vajazzling: 

 Pubes growing out between the cracks of the crystals is a guaranteed cock blocker.

#2 reason vatooing is better than vajazzling:

 Seeing a tattoo of someone else’s name on your vagina just makes a guy want it more.

#1 reason vatooing is better than vajazzling:

Most women are already used to having an irritating, repetitive prick around their vaginas.

More links on Vatooing, Vajazzling and Vaginas:

 

Jessica Delfino is “The Joan Baez of the Vagina Song.”

http://www.completelybare.com/ - they take care of the hair down there

Lizzy the Lezzy, Animated Lesbian Standup Comedy

More vajazzling and vagina humor on funnynotslutty.com

Top 10 Reasons Skinny Women Should Shut Up About Their Weight

 

vain skinny woman

Funny not Slutty by the Numbers by Jacki Schklar and Blythe Jewell with a little help from Jessica Delfino.


The humiliating public debate over Gabourey Sidibe’s size has been rough to watch. Then this week a comedian had this status update — “just saw scary gym sighting in sauna that will scar me for life.”  Now, I’m assuming the “scary gym sighting” in question involved a sweaty, scantily clad person of size.  (If it was a situation involving unkempt pubes, however, that’s an entirely different post.)  Anyway, after that ANOTHER slender comedian said something about being “so glad she lost the extra 15 pounds so she is not fat anymore” which, (1) 15 pounds is NOT the boundary between fat and skinny – an extra 15 pounds just makes you a little more fluffed-up, if you ask me — and (2) Aren’t you supposed to be a comedian?  Am I supposed to laugh?  Oh, I AM?  I’m sorry! Here you go – AHHH HAHAHAHAA HA!  That’s HILARIOUS!   Ha ha, extra 15 pounds, ha ha hee hooooo!  I totally get it now.  My bad. 

So why are so many women engaging like this, and willingly exacerbating the problem?  Why can’t they just open a big can of SHUDDUP instead?  Maybe they need some incentives.  Let’s do a list, all Letterman-like…

TOP 10 REASONS SKINNY WOMEN SHOULD SHUT UP ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT  

10.  You sound like a moron

Men don’t care about the diameter of your whole, they only care about the diameter of your hole. And everybody knows that men like to watch women put things in their mouths.

9. You sound like a BORING moron

So your day is shot because you ate a Moon Pie instead of a Vitamuffin? RIVETING! Not.

8. We can hear you sounding like a boring moron

Fatties, despite popular opinion of the beautiful people, have working ears AND..hard to believe, but we can also READ!

7. You aren’t Oprah.  You’re just a boring moron

Oprah said she felt like a fat cow after recent weight gain. We did not like that either. But Oprah has empowered millions of women and built charitable institutions. You, however, are just a boring moron. [Read more...]

Jessica Delfino is Becoming Famous

 

Jessica Delfino

Jessica Delfino

Funny not Slutty interview by Gabriella Giarrano.

She’s an accomplished writer with two successful music albums, a wildly successful world tour, a comedic style heralded as “witty”, “smart and edgy”, and “brilliant”, a plethora of awards to her name, and a unique, refreshing sense of fashion. She is Artist, Musician, Comedian, Writer and Fashionista. In fact it’s Jessica’s fashion sense that has her recently named one of Time Out NY’s “50 Most Stylish New Yorkers“.  And let’s not forget this is the Jessica Delfino who beat out Flight of the Conchords for “Best Musical Act” at the 2005 ECNY Awards. Her work is subversive, socially aware and hysterical. And that is why she’s becoming famous.

A lot of your material has to do with sex, female menstruation and genitalia,  STD’s, etc. it seems as if you write what you know.

Maybe some of my material does have to do with sex & female genitalia, but I have dozens of songs that are about other things. I used to feel like I’d done something wrong when people would say “all your songs are about vaginas!” but if that’s what so many people cling to in all of my repertoire, it just reiterates my belief that vaginas are some of the most magical and undeniably attractive and powerful things in the entire known universe, and it makes me wonder why more people don’t sing about them, and why more TV and radio stations don’t air songs about vaginas?

There was some controversy around your video “Jessica Delfino is Magic”, what was your initial reaction when YouTube removed the video?

A basic rejection response. At first my little old feelings were hurt that Youtube wouldn’t let my magical vagina play in their reindeer games. But I tend to get over things quickly and I rarely hold grudges. 

On the subject of controversy, The Catholic League president criticized you several years ago for your “Merry Shitmas” tour, claiming that  ”it only provides ammunition to the enemy (Muslims)” because of its Christmas themed debauchery, how did do you respond to such an outrageous claim? [Read more...]

Tiger Woods Top 10: Acts of Revenge for Elin

 

Tiger Woods Elin's Revenge

After recent reports that Elin Nordegren hopes to save her marriage with Tiger Woods, we’re not buying that she’s really ready to forgive and forget. So we asked a few of our funny friends what they would do if they were Elin.

What would you do? Add your answer as a comment below.

#10

Have sex with George Clooney.
- Jacki Schklar

 #9

She should get a job as a cocktail waitress, which are mostly what Tiger’s mistresses were, and then she should really put the “cock” and “tail” in cocktail waitress.
- Jessica Delfino

 #8

Dye her hair brown.
- Jessica Delfino

#7

Have her do endorsements for Tiger’s woods, using the smallest drivers possible…
- Marsha Morgan  [Read more...]