You’ve Come a Long Way, Slutty Nurse! A Feminist Retrospective of Slutty Halloween Costumes

by K A B L O O E Y

Halloween isn’t ’till tomorrow, but I’m already tired of hearing about how horrible costumes for women have become.  They’re ubiquitous, these hard-hitting journalistic exposes from the Slut Aisle at Party City. I guess with no hurricane to blow reporters sideways as they tell us it’s windy out, they’ve got to talk about something.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and just say it: the women’s movement must have worked, because kids these days have it way better than we did.  When I was a young woman, my costume career choices were limited – I could be a slutty French maid or a slutty nurse, period.

Now? A girl’s options are a veritable skankiness rainbow.  No longer is she limited by traditional gender roles. If she wants to be a cowgirl, hockey player or SWAT Commander, there’s a sexy costume to make her dream a reality.  Her older brother’s dressing up as a lumberjack and her younger one as an astronaut?  She can do the exact same thing! See?

slutty costumes 1slutty costumes 2That’s not to mention the strides made away from the race-baiting, stereotypical costumes of the past. I remember a time when you could actually walk into a costume store and buy a Sexy Indian Maiden outfit with its own little rubber tomahawk. That’s not so today: she’s a Native American Tomahawk Hottie, now. [Read more...]

Announcing Sole Provisions Short Essay Contest Winners!

funny-writing-contest

1st Prize – Lovelyn of Nebulous Mooch

Lovelyn wins a pair of Fitflops OR Orthaheel SHOES from Sole Provisions!

2 Runners Up – John “Cork” Corcoran (most creative) and K A B L O O E Y (funniest line…hint, “smoothies”)

The winning entries are below, and you can check out all entries in comments of the original contest post.

 

I Sold My Soul by Lovelyn

Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but I sold my soul to the devil to be able to cook. Yeah, that probably wasn’t the best exchange. First of all, I wasn’t specific enough. I wanted to be a world class chef with my own show on the Food Network. I don’t know if you’ve watched the Food Network lately, but I’m not on it.

Instead of magically knowing how to make perfect French sauces and rich desserts, I’m the casserole queen of my block. I can mix a can of soup, veggies and chicken in an oven-safe glass dish, stick it in the oven, and get perfect results every time. I don’t even like casseroles, but now I’m stuck bringing covered dishes to pot lucks and PTA meetings.

People eat my casseroles and ask me what the secret is for making them so perfectly every time. I simply shrug and wonder if I’ll still be making casseroles in Hell.

I obviously wasn’t thinking straight when I made the deal, but you know how the Devil is. Once you sign on the dotted line there’s no getting out. I wonder if Hell will be as hot as my kitchen is now that the oven is always on.

 

Untitled Entry by John “Cork” Corcoran

It was a dark and stormy night when I busted my sole while busting a move to “Soul Man” at a Seoul Hilton Karaoke night.

“What do you think of that as my lead sentence?” I asked Vincenta Faborgini, my hard working agent and confidante.

“In a word? ‘Overkill’,” she said, taking a drag of her Pall Mall.

“You can’t be a smoker,” I replied. “They won’t allow smokers in a winning Essay.” [Read more...]

THE TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE…store.

Justice-Store

Warning: staring directly at apparel may cause permanent damage to corneas.

 

My daughter is now eight, so I’m happy to report that I’m done with globe-headed Caillou, that whiny little fuck, and Chuck E. Cheese, the flea-bitten, steroidal, rat-boy. These are massive plusses in my book, and they brought me as much joy as did throwing out the rectal thermometer.

However, these parental joys are balanced out by a new horror: having to enter the black hole of ugliness – the Justice store. This mall chain caters to suburban tweenage (I want to shoot myself just typing that “word”) girls with an affinity for neon and shiny objects. The stores themselves are infinitely dense nuggets of tween fashion trends collapsed inward by the weight of their day-glow hideousness. If Tim Gunn were merely to glance into one, his eyeballs would liquefy and melt down his cheeks. [Read more...]

K A B L O O E Y’s Dope of the Day: The Self-Pitying Dieter

art
There’s always one woman at every Weight Watchers meeting who acts like she’s the guest on a talk show, and the rest of us are her audience. When the topic of giant red wine glasses came up (you know, the bulbous fishbowl-sized ones restaurants use) this is what she said:

We went to Applebee’s and I had the salmon and grilled vegetables. My friend gets this big glass of wine and it looked so good, but… (sigh)… I just had water. I felt like I was in a concentration camp.

Um. What do you say to that–thanks for sharing? Interesting analogy? Good command of history; Bergen-Belson was infamous for poorly grilled vegetables.

I’ve said “I’m starving” countless times, but of course, it’s never been true. As someone who hasn’t missed two consecutive meals in… ever, at least I know “I’m starrr-ving!” is just a hyperbolic whine produced by a hunger pang and a soft life.

So lady at my meeting, just remember: you were at Applebee’s, not Auschwitz. Having to pick water instead of wine… is not exactly Sophie’s Choice.

 

K A B L O O E Y

K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.

Funny Not Slutty Best on the Planet Winners!

Funniest on the planet awards

Sponsored by The Louise Log

1. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Female

Tina Fey – Winner!

 

2. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Male

Louis CK – Winner!

 

3. Funniest Actress/Actor on the Planet – Television

Kristin Wiig – Winner!

  [Read more...]

K A B L O O E Y ’ S No-Resolution New Year Plan


Resolutions don’t work. That’s why I’m not making any this year, and I suggest you don’t either. Instead, I’m making Declarations of Self-Purpose.

How do they differ from resolutions, the skeptical among you might ask. Well, which pole dancer makes more money: Bertha or Starla? It’s all in the name. Resolutions have baggage, but no one has any bad associations with Declarations of Self-Purpose, so they’re sure to succeed. It’s called branding, yo. You’re welcome.

Anyway, here are mine for 2013:

  1. Stop trying to use Siri, then getting angry when she (again) passive-aggressively fails to understand what you’re asking her to do. You will only get hurt.
  2. Come up with a sure-fire best seller series to rake in the bucks. Maybe a wizarding academy where everybody is into BDSM? And vampires.
  3. Knock it off with the self tanners, already. This one should be a cakewalk, since you don’t use self tanners. No harm in setting yourself up for a little victory, right?
  4. Develop a catchphrase.
  5. Finally become fluent in Ubbi Dubbi. It’s in danger of becoming a lost language, like Hopi or Yiddish. If you can’t find an Ubbi Dubbi version of Rosetta Stone, ask Santa for a DVD Box Set of Zoom episodes.
  6. Quit practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation and find a healthy new hobby, like geocaching or dodgeball. [Read more...]

10 Things I Love that I can Totally Understand Hating – K A B L O O E Y

10. Anchovies.  Do you know how scientists explain the development of anchovies?  A long time ago, the fishiest tasting fish grew as big as the sun, then collapsed in on itself, to form a super-condensed black hole of ultimate fishiness.

9. Baseball in general, and the Yankees in particular.  Save all your “slower than paint drying” cracks for when you’re tailgating in -14 degree weather at that Bears game.  At least when I watch my team, my eyelashes don’t freeze together.
8. Wes Anderson movies.  It’s true: if you look up “twee” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Anderson in one of his tight little suits.  But Rushmore was awesome and bears repeat viewing.

7. Scuba diving.  A haiku:

In broiling sun,

sucking air out of a hose,

wearing neoprene.

That’s all true, but you are also flying, weightless, like Nemo but without the mom-murder, helicopter dad and fish napping. [Read more...]

Summer Olympics Quiz by K A B L O O E Y

olympic rings

Summer Olympics Quiz

Which five “Sports” are in the Modern Pentathlon?

A) Laser Pistol

B) Laser Tag

C) Platform Diving

D) Cake Decorating

E) Fencing

F) Riding Horses

G) Swimming

H) Running

I) Biking

J) Tap Dancing [Read more...]

Easy Three Herb Pesto – K A B L O O E Y

easy-pesto-recipe
Foolproof Three Herb Pesto
(for the thrify and/or recipe impaired)

Note: If you’re like that 50 Shades of Grey babe and just like to be ordered around, skip all the parenthetical notes.  You have enough issues; you don’t need to be exposed to the inner workings of my brain.
basil

  • 1 bunch basil
  • 1 bag spinach (Because it’s much cheaper than basil and I promise will work fine in this recipe.  Hey, Anastasia: you can trust me.)
  • 1 bunch cilantro (If you hate cilantro, use 2 bunches of basil, or use arugula. You can’t mess this recipe up, unless you throw in some poison ivy.)
  • 4 cloves garlic (or fewer, if you’re garlic-averse.  I actually used five HUGE cloves.  And now I’m close talking and breathing on you.)
  • ½ cup grated parmesan or romano cheese (not the green can of powdered vomit; I don’t care if you grew up with it, use fresh.  And you can use a whole cup.  I was trying to cut calories a bit.)
  • ½ cup olive oil (Up to a cup is fine, actually, depending on the texture you like.)
  • ½ cup of walnuts (Pine nuts are supposed to be used, but have you seen what they charge for those bastards? Walnuts give the pesto the same creamy texture for a lot less money.  I used a “big handful;” a half cup’s my guess.  We’re very precise here in the Kablooey kitchen.  No wonder the Food Network keeps overlooking me for a show.) [Read more...]

K A B L O O E Y’s Dope of the Day – Bieber is no Reader

dope of the daybeebs

Justin Bieber just passed his high school equivalency exam, and apparently, he’s really stoked to be done.

“At school, usually you have to do a lot of writing and reading. I’m really not into that stuff. I like to be out there.”

Usually, he hires a Harvard grad to read him his assignments and a Yalie to do his writing.

“It’s awesome!  They don’t cost that much, and when they wear out I just buy new ones.  And sometimes I make them have chicken fights in the pool when we’re just kickin’ it after a show.”

All right, I made up that second quote, but the first one’s real.  And this from a kid looked up to by millions of impressionable, hormone-fueled tweens.  He also said that his jet-setting lifestyle has enabled him to travel the world and that’s given him a different perspective. [Read more...]