A Seeming Eternity With Andy Rooney

by K A B L O O E Y

(The following partial transcript of Andy Rooney’s final 60 Minutes appearance was leaked to Funnynotslutty.com. The segment will be broadcast on October 2nd, 2011.)

 

Tick… tick… tick… tick….

BYRON PITTS: So Andy, you were quoted some years back as saying you’d only leave the show if you “dropped dead.” What made you change your mind?

ANDY ROONEY: Well, I’ll tell you, Ed…

BR: It’s Byron.

AR: What?

BR: I’m Byron Pitts.

AR: You’re not Ed Bradley?

(Pitts shifts uncomfortably in his chair.)

BR: No. Ed Bradley died, actually, in 2006. I’ve been here for years. I won an Emmy.

AR: I thought you shaved your beard and took off that cockamamie earring.

(Rooney rips off his mic and storms off, yelling as he goes.)

AR : Get me Morley Safer. Where the hell is Safer? You stick him on an ice floe and push, like you did to Mike Wallace?

(The show cuts abruptly to commercials. When it returns, Morley Safer has replaced Byron Pitts.)

MORLEY SAFER: Andy Rooney began his career as a war correspondent in 1943. He later joined the 60 Minutes family, where he started “A Seeming Eternity With Andy Rooney” thirty-three short years ago. He’s brought the same irascible wit to topics such as rap music, paper clips, and the disappearance of phone booths as he did to covering the German army’s march down the Champs-Elysées. On that sad note, here is Andy Rooney. And his eyebrows. [Read more...]