Breaking Up: Now Slightly Easier To Do – Kimberly Welsh

Kimberly

As a public service to every perfectly wonderful girl who’s ever been dumped by someone who didn’t know how good s/he had it, here’s a handy template you can use to say farewell without accidentally humiliating or degrading yourself. Not that you would ever do that…

Dear [Momma’s Boy/Snugglekins/Signor Berlusconi/Buttface],

Since you broke up with me via [text/telepathic communication/my favorite barista/monk-e-mail], I’ve had some time to reflect on our time together. I’ve asked myself all the usual questions, like [“Is there someone else?”/”When will I get my Xbox back?”/”Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?”/”WHY GOD WHY?!?!?”], and I’ve been able to sort most of it out in my head. I wanted to send you one last email to explain my feelings and hopefully offer you some [closure/pot/breakup sex/time share properties] as well.

I’m sure you’ve realized by now that when you dumped me, you did so under the mistaken impression that [I’m crazy/you’re sane/Ayn Rand made some valid points/that bartender genuinely wanted to sleep with you]. How [embarrassing/disconcerting/alarming/incomprehensible] for you, especially now that you’ve been [indicted/castrated/put on the no-fly list/outed on “People of Wal-Mart”]. Nonetheless, I was really hoping we could [clear the air/fight to the death/emigrate to opposite ends of the planet/return that baby we adopted]. I just think it would be better for [me/you/that baby we adopted/your mother] that way. So I guess I’ll start… [Read more...]