MAKE IT like The Girlfriend Mom: Holiday Sex – Having It and Loving It

I lost most of November to Hurricane Sandy-ass, and her aftermath. I can honestly say that after that she-bitch blew through my town, flooded my basement and took away my power, heat and hot water for 17 days, I did not feel very sexy or amorous. Instead, I felt cold, dirty, (not in a good way) and I’m pretty sure that the potent odor that followed me wherever I went, was originating from my pores. Yum. For the first time in a long time, sex was the last thing on my mind… and that irked me.

I was busy thinking about mold spores, ripping sheetrock out of the walls and changing generator oil. I was not dreaming about anal beads and hot bubble baths. I was euphoric when I took my first hot shower and I actually could see myself under the lights in front of a mirror. And now, just like that, it’s the start of the holiday season. Ho Ho Ho… and I do mean that in a whore-y kind of way.

I started thinking about how sex is different during the holidays. I wondered if people had more or less of it. Does the eggnog go to his head (yes, that head) and the next thing you know, you’re doing it by Menorah candlelight? Or are you preoccupied cooking, shopping, decorating, baking, working, generally stressed because you’re hosting Aunt and Uncle Drunkard, who’s visiting from Peoria for a week, so sex is on the way, way, back burner? [Read more...]

MAKE IT like The Girlfriend Mom: Sex with My Manicurist

I’m not gay (as far as I know) but I would like to get it on with my manicurist. Is that wrong? I’ve always wanted to ‘experiment’ but the opportunity has yet to present itself. Of course it might help if I leave the house once in awhile, but my agoraphobia is a whole other post.

I probably should’ve done something about this when I was in college. Isn’t that when this sort of shit happens? There’s a fraternity party on the quad, and you and your sorority sisters are doing jell-o shots with the men’s AND women’s lacrosse teams, one thing leads to another and the next thing you know, a pillow fight breaks out and you trip and fall right into your roommate’s cooter? At least that’s what I’ve always imagined that it would be like. I know, too many Lifetime movies and porn. [Read more...]

MAKE IT like The Girlfriend Mom: Doing It In Front Of A Mirror

funny sex column mirrorMy new sex toy, or should I say, my boyfriend’s and my new sex toy, is a full length, 250 pound, mahogany wood mirror. Sex toy, shmeck toy, call it what you will, but my boyfriend and I looked hot last night, getting down in front of the mirror in our bedroom.

Do you and yours watch yourselves in a mirror? Have you ever watched yourselves? Do you have a mirror, strategically placed in your boudoir, that allows you to view your sexapades, in all of your naked raunchiness? Do you think that this kind of behavior is atypical or deviant? As shocking as this may sound, there are those that actually do. Or are you like me and my lover, who bought the heaviest, largest, and most expensive mirror in Home Goods? No? Okay, I guess I’m the only me.

In a recent survey for The 50 Best Kinky Ideas for Sexy Loving, #3 was having sex in front of a full length mirror. Really? I don’t consider mirror sex kinky at all. If you think about it, we look at ourselves in mirrors all day long, for various reasons, and to me, sex just happens to be one more reason. [Read more...]

MAKE IT like the Girlfriend Mom: Multitasking

MAKE IT like the Girlfriend Mom: MultitaskingIs Sex Distracting?

What are women really thinking about when they’re having sex? I suppose we’d like to believe that we’re thinking about whomever is on top of us, behind us, or under us. But we know different, don’t we ladies?

Until recently, I’d been focusing on the laundry list of distractions; thoughts, images, or scenarios, that men might be preoccupied with, when they’re screwing, and romping around. And then last night, my boyfriend and I were engaged in a most wonderful coital dance. He was on top of me, freshly trimmed chest hair, smooth-as-a-baby’s ass Portuguese skin. (that shit has to be genetic) My legs were in an Olympic event worthy spread eagle, knees bent, with my feet freakishly close to my face. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, PILATES. [Read more...]

MAKE IT like the Girlfriend Mom: Barbie Slut

girlfriend mom barbiesI’ve always believed that some girls exhibited signs of their future sexual proclivities when they were quite young. I know I did. I grew up playing with the standard dolls; Barbie, Ken, Cher. But instead of taking Barbie and Ken (Cher was always on tour) for a ride along the beach in her Corvette (Ken’s car was always conveniently in the shop), stroll down boardwalks or make pie in her Malibu Dream House, when I got them together, all they wanted to do was hump each other outside in the open air.

I remember fantasizing that Ken was on top of me, instead of little Miss Perfect, rubbing his anatomically incorrect (hopefully) body against mine. Maybe the other little girls in the neighborhood were doing the same thing. I had no idea, because I never actually asked any of them if they made their dolls hump each other or were humped by their dolls. Somewhere during the seventh or eighth year of my life, I received the message that sharing this type of personal behavior was better kept private. So I did. Until now. [Read more...]