What to wear this summer when sitting by the pool and making sure the gardener isn’t stealing – Héléne Bouffant

Hello my little seal skins!

Welcome to summer! I don’t know about you because I make it a rule not to speak to the public, but I cannot wait for swimsuit season. Yes, Héléne Bouffant loves to wear the latest in swimwear paired with a glorious cover up. The less sophisticated among you might consider the dreadfully named “muu muu,” but I urge you to look at some of the wonderful cover up options hitting the runway these days.

SWIM WEAR MUU MUU

No.

Swimwear CU

Yes! See how well this covers her upper arms and collar bone?

I would like to show you some of your options for Summer 2013 swimwear. These are fresh off the runway, pussycats! I dare you to pick just one!

FASHION-BRAZIL-RIO FASHION WEEK-TRIYAHere is a stunning design from this year’s Rio Fashion Week. Look at how seamlessly the designer was able to incorporate long sleeves and metal bars into a single suit. Usually you can only get one or the other. I should warn you, however, that you absolutely must not wear this suit in sunshine. No one enjoys the feeling of burning metal against their bosoms, except for me during a brief experimental period in the 1980′s.

swim wear Mercedes+Benz+Fashion+Week+Swim+2013+Official+xXt6AaQNlC9l Looking for something sexy to wear this summer? How about this liberating one-piece? All you need is two friends to help you get into it and a large bottle of sunscreen. Just think of the tan lines – you shall be the striped tigress of Chili’s or wherever people like you go to eat. [Read more...]

Oscar Fashion Review, by Héléne Bouffant

Bonjour, my little golden statuettes!

It was with great joy and a keen eye for criticism that I watched this year’s Academy Awards. Hollywood’s annual masturbatory fashion event has come and gone to sleep, and now I shall judge its performance.

I shall start by sharing my personal contribution to last night’s awards. It should not surprise you that I – Héléne Bouffant – have provided styling at the Oscars for eons! Of course, my influence is most prominent behind the scenes rather than on the red carpet. But do not underestimate my power, my little chickadees! In fact, I control the red carpet itself! And by that, I mean that I am the official stylist to the men who roll out the actual carpet.

 rollcarpet

The jaunty newsboy cap was my idea.

 

Yes, my work was featured on CNN this year. They try to keep me in the shadows, but Héléne Bouffant will not be silenced on Oscar night!

But now, let me offer my thoughts on those designers whose work was seen on those in the spotlight…the burning, white-hot spotlight that calls to me with the intensity of a thousand STDs. I shall return to greatness one day, and I will bring a firestorm of plaid and sequins with me. But for now, let’s see what these other assholes turned out.

Oscars Anne

 No one puts Anne’s nipples in a corner

I have four words for this dress. MAG-NIF-I-CENT. Yes! A pale pink Prada sheath accented by hard, prominent nipples. Bravo, Miss Hathaway, for showing the world in no uncertain terms how very excited you were to be a part of this special, slightly chilly night. Now, some are trying to give the credit for this look of alertness to the darting on your gown. I reject this assessment, and applaud your nipples for their Annie Oakley-like defiance of cultural norms. The rest of your look may say, “subdued” and “appropriate,” but your nipples are saying, “Who do I have to stab around here to get a beer?”

Bravo, Madame.
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Héléne Bouffant’s Valentine’s Fashion Advice

Bonjour, my little pin cushions! It is February – the month of amour! I hope you all have someone to love or tolerate for the sake of the children during this month of passion.

For this month’s column, I wanted to share with you a little bit about Héléne Bouffant’s experience with love. Yes, I have been tangled in it’s snarled branches many a time before. But I wanted to write a tribute to my first love…well, my first love is fashion, of course, but my first human love was Fred Gandy – or, as you may know, him, Gopher from TV’s The Love Boat.
 

gopher 2
God, how I loved this man.

 
Our affair began during the height of his fame. Everyone wanted a piece of Gopher, back then. But he chose me, a slender, beautiful, and elegant beyond my years wardrobe assistant. Yes, that was my first fashion job – finding flattering cruise wear in the 1980s. It was hell, but the first time I measured Fred’s inseam we were drawn to each other like Gwyneth Paltrow to Chia seeds.

Oh, Fred! Now that you have retired from Congress I can finally tell the world of our passionate nights nestled among Gavin MacLeod’s captain’s uniforms at the back of the wardrobe trailer. You taught me about love, life, and seamanship. And though you broke my heart (he claimed that Héléne Bouffant could never be a politician’s wife, what my triple citizenship with France, the United States, and Pakistan), I want to dedicate this column to you.

How does a fashion column combine fashion, love, and the Gopher? Don’t be an idiot. I shall commemorate my love for the yeoman’s purser with nautical romantic fashion – just in time for Valentine’s Day. Here are some items to consider for a Valentine’s date with your seaman! [Read more...]

4 Fashion Predictions for 2014 by World-Renowned Fashion Stylist Héléne Bouffant

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Happy New Year, my little puff pastries!

I hope you are all ready for a brand new year of fashion and diminished self-regard! I anticipate many exciting new trends will be coming our way this year. For the first column of 2013, I want to give you a look into the future. “Oh,” you say, “You’re going to show us trends for the summer of 2013?” No, you ignorant plebeian – for the summer of 2014!

You may be used to seeing designers – even low-class ones like my nemesis, Michael Kors – showing fashions on the runway two seasons ahead. For example: right now, in January, there are many “pre-fall 2013” shows being presented. What is “pre-fall?” It’s like that time at the end of last summer when you were saying, “Dear god, if I see one more Alexander Wang jumper paired with a neon kimono and a statement necklace, I am going to throw an absolute fit and get my dinner for free.” Yes, THAT feeling.

But I, Héléne Bouffant, like to take risks! I say, “Keep your Spring/Summer 2013 collection, Kors! I am going to show the people what to wear in Spring/Summer 2014! Now who has the jump on who, you good-for-nothing lackey!”

Oh yes, my aborted caviar, it’s true. I have consulted some of the interweb’s most esteemed fashion trend forecasters for their predictions for what you will be wearing a year and a half from now. In fact, I – Helene Bouffant –  plan to hire one of these companies to predict the fashion trends for my funeral. I insist on being au courant even at my wake. The weeping masses will look down at my gorgeous, perfectly preserved corpse and they will say, “How did she know that plaid prayer shawls would be ‘in’?!” Because I am Helene Bouffant! And then my corpse stylist (who will be ready with powder and double stick tape, just in case) will smack them across the face while yelling, “I condemn you in the name of Bouffant!” It really will be fabulous. You shouldn’t miss it.

And now, here are the predicted trends for the spring and summer of 2014:

Consuul Apparel Manufacturing Company believes that men will be wearing lightweight jackets in the Spring of 2014. “This makes windbreakers, parkas, and vintage jackets a must have in your line.” That’s right, gentlemen, Spring 2014 will be all about outerwear. You can finally purchase a coat without feeling ridiculous about not being on-trend.

funny men in mustache style

Short pants! Coats! MUSTACHES! [Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant: Fashion for Obscure November Holidays

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Happy November, my peasant friends.

November is a month that most people associate with family, and Thanksgiving. But not me: Héléne Bouffant. The month of November is a month of mourning for me.

You see, as a child, while most little girls begged for kittens and ponies, I pleaded for my parents to gift me with a turkey. Oh, how my schoolmates laughed. But ever since first setting eyes on those noble creatures at my Mamaw and Papaw’s farm, I was enchanted.

 

Majestic. Like Helen Gurley Brown wearing a feather wrap.

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Helene Critiques Seven Fall Magazine Covers

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Hello, lamb chops. In this column, I will look at the much-revered fall issues for fashion magazines. Why is the September issue so important? Shhhhhhhhhh………….let’s not dwell on the details. Just buy what we tell you and for god’s sake don’t eat whatever it is you are about to eat.

Here are my thoughts on seven of September 2012′s magazine covers.

1. Vogue: Of course! The grand-dame of magazines. But I don’t say that to mean “old”, of course. More of a youthful, “who is your doctor” kind of grand-dame. And on this month’s cover, we have Lady Gaga. It might not surprise you to know that I think Lady Gaga is the absolute height of fashion. If I could get every woman in America out there in a nun’s habit covered with blood and 12 inch platform shoes, I would have done my job.

2. W: I don’t know who this person is but I do love the look of a set of balls nestled delicately below one’s throat. And they promise to tell you about “10 Trends You Can’t Live Without”! So I beg you to hurry and buy this magazine before you fall to floor dead, wishing you had purchased an oversized coat and fairy-tale dress.
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Food Suicide

Can you really kill yourself with food? An investigation.

Often times on shows like The Biggest Loser, people are told that they are “killing themselves with food.” I always scoff when I hear that. I mean, honestly, if you really want to kill yourself are you going to use a gun or bacon? Me, personally, I’d go with the latter, since I am depressed but don’t really want to kill myself so my attempt to cut my wrists with bacon would just be an obvious cry for help.

But, being the intrepid reporter that I am not, I decided to take a closer look at the idea of death-by-food. Can I actually kill myself with food? Let’s find out. I chose the three most lethal kinds of food out there, if Redbook and Glamour are to be believed. And they are, though I’d caution against implementing all of their recommendations. Unless you want to be licking a perineum every time you have sex, I’d take their advice carefully. TRUST ME. [Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant, World-renowned Fashion Stylist – The Top 6 Trends for Fall 2012

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Summer is almost over, and the time has come to cover up your flesh, my saucy whores. But what are the trends for Fall 2012? I had no idea, so I went to the website StyleList.com to find out. Below, I have some of their/my picks for Fall. By the way, you should know that StyleList does not appreciate e-mails that both criticize their site while also asking for a job. Héléne Bouffant is blocked again.

My theme for fall is: “Don’t let that stop you!”
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Héléne Bouffant, World-renowned Fashion Stylist – Back to School!

Congratulations, Funny Not Slutty readers.

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my first column for FNS.

Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

I have done it all. I have been fired, locked out, or ostracized from nearly every major fashion house. Dolce & Gabbana, Calvin Klein, Forever 21 –  you name the brand, and I have undoubtedly burned them to the ground…..usually figuratively, but on some unfortunate occasions involving hot glue guns, literally.

For today’s column, I will be talking about “back to school” fashion. Normally I do not work with people under 6-feet-tall, but I shall make an exception for your small, sticky creatures.

As I began to look around to see what was “in” among smaller people, I was thrilled to find that some major fashion houses have started their own lines! Finally, someone looked at the market and said, “But what about the wealthy children? What shall THEY wear?” Well, Oscar de la Renta, Gucci, and Dolce & Gabbana now all offer options for the nose-picking set. After all, children are just teeny tiny adults. There’s no need to infantilize them.

Here are a few precious gems I found that are sure to make your child the envy of other children and – more importantly – most adults. [Read more...]