Slutty but Funny – Dear Sarah Jessica Parker

by Natalie Wall

 

Sarah Jessica Parker…shut the fuck up. I am so sick of you making all women feel inadequate about themselves based solely on the fact that you…are you. [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – Pitbull was Wrong

by Natalie Wall

I keep hearing that retarded song buy Taio Cruz /Pitbull/your mom on auto-tune or whoever gives a flying fuck, but seeing as that description may leave a few in the dark, let me give you a taste of the specific lyric that irks the fucking fuck out of me:

“My life is like a movie and yours is just Tivo”

…haha…wait…what?

Now, I don’t know if this is cause I’m from the Gilmore Girls venacular/caucasian genre/I’m telling you I’m white, demographic, but Tivo is the closest thing to sex without having to take your clothes off….or turn off the lights.

Tivo fucking rocks….do you get that Pitbull….do you get that?

And what type of movies are you speaking of, because I don’t know if you have frequented you local cinema lately, but the majority of movies out there are shit…

…we’re you disappointed in Megamind too, Pitbull? Oh, goodness me too. You’d think such a great combination with Ferrell, Fey, Pitt and of course you’re sexy eye candy Jonah Hill in 3D would be a match made in heaven…but it wasn’t.

…it really wasn’t.

Now unless you were talking about Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, cause that movie had EVERYTHING…it had a talking cat, it had romance, horror, a pussy with a British accent, and oh man that twist! Nicole Kidman as the “others” who could have seen that coming??…no one, that’s who…fucking brilliant. [Read more...]

Top 35 Worst Sex Names – Slutty but Funny

funny_natalie

by Natalie Wall

America,

There is an epidemic that’s going on in the world today, and it’s called “bad-sex-name-fluenza”. It’s a silent killer, well, silent killer of the mood that is. Worse than gas, it strikes at a moment of pure ecstasy, leaving the victim feeling sexually repulsed/ dirty/ trying to remember the Hot-Pocket theme song. We can’t stand for this anymore, America. I’m so sick of holding back vomit while I have sex. I should get Oscars my performances.

America this must stop now, and yes I know…it would be so much fun to make fun of our own kids mercilessly for such a sucky ass name, but think about their sex life. We can only hope your partner’s genes ruin your child’s chance at a normal social life…fingers crossed. [Read more...]

How to Resuscitate Chivalry (It’s Dead) – Slutty but Funny

Slutty but Funny

by Natalie Wall

America. Let’s talk.

Chivalry has been dead for quite some time, my lady-parts having friends.  But when did it officially choke on the big one?

Someone’s got some explaining to do.

Seriously, who was the one lady who ruined it for all of us? Who was the one to say, “Look…I’m cute…and funny…and can hold a decent conversation about politics/theology/deep fried Twinkies…now ignore my phone calls and force me to undo your belt- buckle…and I’ll be obsessed with you forever, my little Douche McDouchster, you…because quite honestly, that’s how every lady wants to be treated…like a turd.” [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – We should fix this

friends skinny bitches

by Natalie Wall

I hate it when I’m feeling really skinny and then I catch my thighs jiggling in the mirror, even though technically I wasn’t moving. At all.

I’m white, okay. White as one can be. A cracker. Caucasian some might say. I come from the land of Caucasia, where my fellow tribal members frolic to the barbaric beats of Michael Buble and watch Gilmore Girls. So of course I’m obsessed with my weight. I blame the cast of Friends; all those whores were skinny as fuck and still had man problems. Even Chandler had an eating disorder. Nothing says white quite like a grown man who vomits after he eats.

I wish I were Black. Seriously, you guys embrace that shit. Fat ass? Aw helllllll no, that shit is juicy. Or more accurately, Jell-O. Watch that shit jiggle!

Remember back in the good ol’ days/Dark Ages/last night at McDonalds parking lot, when being obese was the cool thing to do? [Read more...]

Slutty But Funny – It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

funny_natalie
by Natalie Wall

You know, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I wasn’t supposed to be living with my parents after I graduated college, let alone living with them for nine months… and counting.

I wasn’t supposed to be moping around my house screaming at my mom for more mayo to dip my morning sausage links into.

I never thought the highlight of my week would become the moment I figured I could fashion my Kansas City Chief koozies into the perfect cooler for my vat of mayo.

“If you really fucking love me you’ll stop buying this Miracle Whip shit.” [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – Penis Envy

by Natalie Wall

love my penis funny

Male Orgasms… what are they? Where do they come from? Am I the only one who’s ever wondered want an orgasm for a guy feels like? Like, there are so many different hand motions and gyrations going on down there it must feel different, if not better. I’ve always wanted to be a guy for a day, solely so I could jerk it for 24 hours straight.

My friends have heard this question a million times, and they always privately agree with my statement. I say privately only because I always get the same reaction when I ask my girl friends if they have ever wanted a penis.

“God, you’re weird.”

Silence.

“Well it would be fun jerkin’ it, wouldn’t it?” [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – Things that make me go buh-gah

by Natalie Wall

Clown Porn Humor

1. Female Overexcitement:
When I get excited I eat fast and when I eat fast, I vomit in my mouth : /

2. The phrase “Bowel Movement”:
Can you just say poop? Seriously. Can you?

3. ABC family movies:
Emma Robertson as a blonde whore? Really, ABC family? Really? I thought your movies were supposed to be realistic with good moral values for young adults. Like, “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” or “Pretty Little Liars” now those are shows that just get me.

4. Snooki’s party-bump:
I swear to God, she’s hiding a balloon full of heroin up there. Well that, and a dildo.

5. Sober sexting:
It’s all fun and sex when you’re drunk. But, I once had a guy literally say he was going to rape me via a sober text, well maybe he did ”I’m going to rape you” it was something along the lines of “I’m going to screw you until you’re begging me to stop, but… I won’t.” Wait…what…? [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – I wish this was a lie…

by Natalie Wall

funny_natalie

I wish this was a lie…

“So are you seeing anyone….guy or girl?”

“No, but that you for subtly asking if I’m a lesbian for the 15th time now, Mother.”

After being asked for the umpteenth time if I’m a lesbian, I started to question…why am I not dating anyone? Oh wait that’s right. I’m an asshole.

It used to be a real issue for me, but then I realized, the world doesn’t need a man that can deal with my asshole antics, just think of the poor soul that would have to date me. I’m pretty sure I’d turn him gay. That or he would kill himself. That sorry bastard.

And to add to my asshole factor, I’m disgusting with just a dash of gassiness. Now, those who know me, I know what you’re thinking. “You’re not an asshole, you are the most loving person I know. Just a simple peaceful beautiful soul.” Don’t patronize me, you sick pricks. And just to prove my point I’m listing my top 10 most disgusting/assholey things I’ve ever done.

1. When I get too drunk and need to vomit I just turn to the side of my bed and puke on my carpeted floor. I usually miss.

2. I put 4-5 scoops of mayo on any sandwich I eat, but it’s cool I balance it out with cucumbers.

3. If it were socially acceptable to never brush my teeth. I wouldn’t.

4. Remember being at a crowded party, then smelling butt? Oh yeah, that was me.

5. If it was socially acceptable to never bathe. I wouldn’t.

6. I have to wash my feet every day. Why you ask? Cause they smell like Fritos.

7. I usually eat meat and mayo…for breakfast. [Read more...]

THE DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY (mom haircut) – Natalie Wall

by Natalie Wall

hamil hair

I’m so afraid of the day I get the infamous “mom haircut.” But I feel like it is inevitable. After years and years of thankless children/crapped filled diapers/your husband accusing you of a prescription drug addiction you soon find yourself sitting in the chair of your local salon screaming:
“Just cut it off. I’m just too god damn busy with these fucking kids to care about my hair. Just cut it off!”

“Settle down. You don’t want to upset your stomach.”

There is no way out.

It’s the next step in “maternal instinct.” Really, first you have kids, love and cherish them unconditionally, after 15-18 years you send them off to college/prison/Taco Bell, register in some Zumba classes and then cut off your hair because “it just gets too sweaty when I’m shaking my thang!”

Whew. Racy stuff. [Read more...]