K A B L O O E Y ’ S No-Resolution New Year Plan


Resolutions don’t work. That’s why I’m not making any this year, and I suggest you don’t either. Instead, I’m making Declarations of Self-Purpose.

How do they differ from resolutions, the skeptical among you might ask. Well, which pole dancer makes more money: Bertha or Starla? It’s all in the name. Resolutions have baggage, but no one has any bad associations with Declarations of Self-Purpose, so they’re sure to succeed. It’s called branding, yo. You’re welcome.

Anyway, here are mine for 2013:

  1. Stop trying to use Siri, then getting angry when she (again) passive-aggressively fails to understand what you’re asking her to do. You will only get hurt.
  2. Come up with a sure-fire best seller series to rake in the bucks. Maybe a wizarding academy where everybody is into BDSM? And vampires.
  3. Knock it off with the self tanners, already. This one should be a cakewalk, since you don’t use self tanners. No harm in setting yourself up for a little victory, right?
  4. Develop a catchphrase.
  5. Finally become fluent in Ubbi Dubbi. It’s in danger of becoming a lost language, like Hopi or Yiddish. If you can’t find an Ubbi Dubbi version of Rosetta Stone, ask Santa for a DVD Box Set of Zoom episodes.
  6. Quit practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation and find a healthy new hobby, like geocaching or dodgeball. [Read more...]

Six Reasons You Are Single On New Years’ Eve – Mallory Schlossberg

You’re probably wondering why you are alone on New Years’ Eve, and why when that ball drops you’ll be ogling all of the couples sucking face all over the bar (or you’ll be at home polishing off the bag of pita chips, which may be more of a winning situation). Take it from me – your token single lady in New York City. This isn’t all bad news! It’s just the facts of life. You might have made some major mistakes in 2012.  I know I did.  I’ve come to face how I’ve become preternaturally single, and I’m here to help all of you, so that come December 31, 2013, you might not be alone (although if I am, hell, I’m cool with it).

 

1. You tweet what you’re eating

Do you tweet things like, “My favorite feeling to eat is ‘quixotic?” or how you find peanut butter and hummus to be the best foods in the world? Do you announce your impending food baby pregnancy? Here’s the problem: men don’t want to know what you’re eating. Men see the words “food baby,” and think “she’s pregnant!” and run away. Also, the guy you want to date isn’t paying close attention to your twitter, unless it says, “porn HERE!” (Then do the smart thing: direct it to an image of you eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s… Food PORN?)

 

2. You publicly announce how you’ve stopped taking birth control

Maybe when you thought Romney’s presidency was going to eradicate all free or affordable birth control so you stashed all of your pills in your medicine cabinet. Then at a bar you said to a hot guy, “hahahaha, sooooo, I’m not taking my birth control anymore!” Here’s a fact: all guys think all women are on the pill ALL OF THE TIME. They think women fall into two categories: pill taking and not pregnant, or not pill taking and pregnant. The second you said that, all of the male heads in the room turned and saw you carrying his Junior.

 

3. You save money by wearing last night’s make up today

I have discovered this money saving technique! You can make your foundation and eyeliner last TWICE as long! It’s also a great way to look like you are doing a permanent walk of shame, AKA “damaged goods.” I mean, I think of it as a walk of pride, but not everyone views it that way.

 

4. Wait? What day is it?

If you think it’s still Christmas or Thanksgiving, or some other day in the universe, that might have something to do with it. Just a thought. I mean, I don’t operate on a normal schedule (Monday IS the new Friday, people), so my “alternative scheduling” aka “fledgling freelancer” life may turn some people off. Call me a calendar hipster; I call it creating new limits on a man-made structure…thereby, making me a calendar hipster.

 

5.  Your bladder is super small

Do you constantly have to get up in the middle of dates to pee? I do. It definitely ruins the mood of date, but hey, you know what nobody ever said? “Nothing says sexy time like a UTI!”

 

6. You are surrounded douche bags who don’t recognize that all of these traits make you hilarious, beautiful, sexy, and different. Celebrate your flaws and your singlehood!
And make out with multiple people and don’t feel terribly about it. And eat all the chips and guac you desire with zero guilt!  Pop the champagne!

 

Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.

Memoirs of My America – The Art of Oomancy

oomancyIf you were to walk into my childhood home on New Year’s Day, you’d find a dining room table covered in tall, clear glasses that had been filled to the rim with tap water and that held a globulous raw egg at the bottom.  The water would grow bubbly as the day went on and there would be strings of congealed egg white floating upwards to the top. I remember thinking how much those gelatinous peaks of egg white looked like the sea monkey habitat ads from the back of my brother’s comic books.

A Colombian custom for the New Year is to have your fortune told by raw eggs in water. My grandmother, who lived with us, had been her small Colombian town’s esteemed medicine woman. A bruja buena, good witch. She was in charge of making the town’s monthly coca water (just what you think it is) as well as possessing the knowledge of reading fortunes; in this case, via egg whites. This is fancily known as the art of oomancy; egg divination through swirly patterns.   [Read more...]