You’re probably wondering why you are alone on New Years’ Eve, and why when that ball drops you’ll be ogling all of the couples sucking face all over the bar (or you’ll be at home polishing off the bag of pita chips, which may be more of a winning situation). Take it from me – your token single lady in New York City. This isn’t all bad news! It’s just the facts of life. You might have made some major mistakes in 2012.  I know I did.  I’ve come to face how I’ve become preternaturally single, and I’m here to help all of you, so that come December 31, 2013, you might not be alone (although if I am, hell, I’m cool with it).

1. You tweet what you’re eating

Do you tweet things like, “My favorite feeling to eat is ‘quixotic?” or how you find peanut butter and hummus to be the best foods in the world? Do you announce your impending food baby pregnancy? Here’s the problem: men don’t want to know what you’re eating. Men see the words “food baby,” and think “she’s pregnant!” and run away. Also, the guy you want to date isn’t paying close attention to your twitter, unless it says, “porn HERE!” (Then do the smart thing: direct it to an image of you eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s… Food PORN?)

2. You publicly announce how you’ve stopped taking birth control

Maybe when you thought Romney’s presidency was going to eradicate all free or affordable birth control so you stashed all of your pills in your medicine cabinet. Then at a bar you said to a hot guy, “hahahaha, sooooo, I’m not taking my birth control anymore!” Here’s a fact: all guys think all women are on the pill ALL OF THE TIME. They think women fall into two categories: pill taking and not pregnant, or not pill taking and pregnant. The second you said that, all of the male heads in the room turned and saw you carrying his Junior.

3. You save money by wearing last night’s make up today

I have discovered this money saving technique! You can make your foundation and eyeliner last TWICE as long! It’s also a great way to look like you are doing a permanent walk of shame, AKA “damaged goods.” I mean, I think of it as a walk of pride, but not everyone views it that way.

4. Wait? What day is it?

If you think it’s still Christmas or Thanksgiving, or some other day in the universe, that might have something to do with it. Just a thought. I mean, I don’t operate on a normal schedule (Monday IS the new Friday, people), so my “alternative scheduling” aka “fledgling freelancer” life may turn some people off. Call me a calendar hipster; I call it creating new limits on a man-made structure…thereby, making me a calendar hipster.

5.  Your bladder is super small

Do you constantly have to get up in the middle of dates to pee? I do. It definitely ruins the mood of date, but hey, you know what nobody ever said? “Nothing says sexy time like a UTI!”

6. You are surrounded douche bags who don’t recognize that all of these traits make you hilarious, beautiful, sexy, and different. Celebrate your flaws and your singlehood!
And make out with multiple people and don’t feel terribly about it. And eat all the chips and guac you desire with zero guilt!  Pop the champagne!

Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.