Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 10

Olives Infographic on Funny not Slutty


Dear Suniverse:

Have you ever noticed that people who dislike olives are assholes? I mean, olives are awesome. They’re tasty and salty and you can stuff other food such as garlic or cheese inside them. Who wouldn’t love that? Answer: Assholes. Also, some people like only green olives but not black ones. I’m pretty sure that means they’re racist. Anyway, I’m wondering if there should be some sort of olive litmus test. Please advise.

Olive you. (Get it?!?)
lone With Cats


Dear Cat Fancier,

They ARE assholes, aren’t they?  I mean, WTF? OLIVES ARE DELICIOUS. And have you tried the oil? SUBLIME!

Seriously. People who don’t like olives are missing some genetic material that makes them function as normal, decent human beings. The presence or absence of the Salty Goodness Receptor [SGR] in everyone’s mouth is in direct correlation to whether or not that person is someone who is not an asshole.

As to the different types of olives, yes, there is absolutely racism present.  Why would you not love black olives? It’s not like it’s black licorice [which I tried once and am still trying to get that shitty taste out of my mouth].

Why would someone be all apartheid on black olives? Do they hate freedom? Assholes.

So, in conclusion, I would recommend the following litmus test:

Hey, do you like olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes – great, what about black olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes? Let’s be friends!

Sitting here eating kalamata olives by the handful,
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