Funny not Slutty by the Numbers by Jacki Schklar and Blythe Jewell with a little help from Jessica Delfino.

The humiliating public debate over Gabourey Sidibe’s size has been rough to watch. Then this week a comedian had this status update — “just saw scary gym sighting in sauna that will scar me for life.”  Now, I’m assuming the “scary gym sighting” in question involved a sweaty, scantily clad person of size.  (If it was a situation involving unkempt pubes, however, that’s an entirely different post.)  Anyway, after that ANOTHER slender comedian said something about being “so glad she lost the extra 15 pounds so she is not fat anymore” which, (1) 15 pounds is NOT the boundary between fat and skinny – an extra 15 pounds just makes you a little more fluffed-up, if you ask me — and (2) Aren’t you supposed to be a comedian?  Am I supposed to laugh?  Oh, I AM?  I’m sorry! Here you go – AHHH HAHAHAHAA HA!  That’s HILARIOUS!   Ha ha, extra 15 pounds, ha ha hee hooooo!  I totally get it now.  My bad. 

So why are so many women engaging like this, and willingly exacerbating the problem?  Why can’t they just open a big can of SHUDDUP instead?  Maybe they need some incentives.  Let’s do a list, all Letterman-like…

TOP 10 REASONS SKINNY WOMEN SHOULD SHUT UP ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT  

10.  You sound like a moron

Men don’t care about the diameter of your whole, they only care about the diameter of your hole. And everybody knows that men like to watch women put things in their mouths.

9. You sound like a BORING moron

So your day is shot because you ate a Moon Pie instead of a Vitamuffin? RIVETING! Not.

8. We can hear you sounding like a boring moron

Fatties, despite popular opinion of the beautiful people, have working ears AND..hard to believe, but we can also READ!

7. You aren’t Oprah.  You’re just a boring moron

Oprah said she felt like a fat cow after recent weight gain. We did not like that either. But Oprah has empowered millions of women and built charitable institutions. You, however, are just a boring moron. [Read more...]