Slutty but Funny – Drunk

DrunkNo matter how open I am with myself, there are so many things that I always seem to “conveniently” forget about in public situations. One being the fact that there are certain alcoholic beverages that basically turn me into a whore on any given day and/or night.

I know some of you reading this have witnessed this beautiful feat first hand, and for that I am truly sorry for making you relive that moment that you have tried so hard to block out of your memory. Whatever, shit happens.
I think all ladies need to remember this special fact. (Gentlemen, take note.) Seeing as we all have that “ special drink.” Personally, there are three specific types of alcohol that turn me into a Grade-A whore in under sixty minutes of consumption: champagne, red wine and tequila. [Read more...]

Funny or Die Presents: Rugrats

 Every 90’s child thought it, but now we have proof. That Angelica chick was one cold-hearted bitch. Filled with deception, manipulation and cold-blooded murder, get ready 90’s generation for the greatest validation of our television consuming childhood existence that we all know and miss so much. Fuck that I-Carly bullshit, and buy your tickets in advance for the first (of which I hope to be many) live action Rugrats movie. With a star-studded cast, including Alia Shawkat, Mae Whitman, Michael Angarano and Nathan Barnatt, your childhood memories will never be the same.

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

EAT THIS! Holiday Crystal Meth Plate

 

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Natalie Wall

If there is anything that brings the children scampering around the holiday garbage can fire, it’s Holiday Crystal Meth and Crack Rocks. One of my personal favorites holiday treats, based purely on its sugar addiction factor and quick preparation time.

Holiday Crystal Meth

Ingredients:

1. One local Wal-Mart/CVS/Bottom Dollar

2. One pair of scissors

3. One hammer

4. Plastic candy dish-preferably holiday related

5. 4 Bags of rock candy

Instructions:

First you will need to locate your local Wal-Mart or other fine discount retailers. Once that task is completed, step out of your car/bike/public transportation of choice and locate the candy aisle or as I like to call it, “The Impending Type-2 Diabetes” aisle. Grab at least 4 bags of rock candy. I usually buy at least 8, but that’s based solely on my low blood sugar and lack of self-respect.

Next, locate the self-checkout lines. No one needs to see this moment. [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – 80′s Fashion. It’s Back.

tom_selleck glasses

Ladies, it is time. It is time for us to admit that the 80’s are back and it looks so damn good. On men, that is. (Step away from the crimper, Sarah.)

So yes, I’m talking to you, good sir, with the glorious Tom Selleck mustache.

And yes, you, Mr. Strong legs, rocking the bright red shorty-shorts. You say the length of the shorts helps with your endless cross-country training? Sure it does. But it helps me get through those cold and lonely nights, so you wear those bad boys all you damn well please. [Read more...]

In Defense of Slutty Halloween Costumes – Slutty but Funny

Seriously women, lets talk. I think we can all agree that we are a very different breed of ladies nowadays. We go to college. We graduate. We make big money. We practically rule the world at this point.

And I think we can also unanimously agree, that what we do, how we act, and the way we dress is not for the gentlemen-folk in our lives. Oh no, no, no. That shit is for us. [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – Dear Sarah Jessica Parker

by Natalie Wall

 

Sarah Jessica Parker…shut the fuck up. I am so sick of you making all women feel inadequate about themselves based solely on the fact that you…are you. [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – Pitbull was Wrong

by Natalie Wall

I keep hearing that retarded song buy Taio Cruz /Pitbull/your mom on auto-tune or whoever gives a flying fuck, but seeing as that description may leave a few in the dark, let me give you a taste of the specific lyric that irks the fucking fuck out of me:

“My life is like a movie and yours is just Tivo”

…haha…wait…what?

Now, I don’t know if this is cause I’m from the Gilmore Girls venacular/caucasian genre/I’m telling you I’m white, demographic, but Tivo is the closest thing to sex without having to take your clothes off….or turn off the lights.

Tivo fucking rocks….do you get that Pitbull….do you get that?

And what type of movies are you speaking of, because I don’t know if you have frequented you local cinema lately, but the majority of movies out there are shit…

…we’re you disappointed in Megamind too, Pitbull? Oh, goodness me too. You’d think such a great combination with Ferrell, Fey, Pitt and of course you’re sexy eye candy Jonah Hill in 3D would be a match made in heaven…but it wasn’t.

…it really wasn’t.

Now unless you were talking about Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, cause that movie had EVERYTHING…it had a talking cat, it had romance, horror, a pussy with a British accent, and oh man that twist! Nicole Kidman as the “others” who could have seen that coming??…no one, that’s who…fucking brilliant. [Read more...]

Top 35 Worst Sex Names – Slutty but Funny

funny_natalie

by Natalie Wall

America,

There is an epidemic that’s going on in the world today, and it’s called “bad-sex-name-fluenza”. It’s a silent killer, well, silent killer of the mood that is. Worse than gas, it strikes at a moment of pure ecstasy, leaving the victim feeling sexually repulsed/ dirty/ trying to remember the Hot-Pocket theme song. We can’t stand for this anymore, America. I’m so sick of holding back vomit while I have sex. I should get Oscars my performances.

America this must stop now, and yes I know…it would be so much fun to make fun of our own kids mercilessly for such a sucky ass name, but think about their sex life. We can only hope your partner’s genes ruin your child’s chance at a normal social life…fingers crossed. [Read more...]

How to Resuscitate Chivalry (It’s Dead) – Slutty but Funny

Slutty but Funny

by Natalie Wall

America. Let’s talk.

Chivalry has been dead for quite some time, my lady-parts having friends.  But when did it officially choke on the big one?

Someone’s got some explaining to do.

Seriously, who was the one lady who ruined it for all of us? Who was the one to say, “Look…I’m cute…and funny…and can hold a decent conversation about politics/theology/deep fried Twinkies…now ignore my phone calls and force me to undo your belt- buckle…and I’ll be obsessed with you forever, my little Douche McDouchster, you…because quite honestly, that’s how every lady wants to be treated…like a turd.” [Read more...]

Slutty But Funny – It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

funny_natalie
by Natalie Wall

You know, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I wasn’t supposed to be living with my parents after I graduated college, let alone living with them for nine months… and counting.

I wasn’t supposed to be moping around my house screaming at my mom for more mayo to dip my morning sausage links into.

I never thought the highlight of my week would become the moment I figured I could fashion my Kansas City Chief koozies into the perfect cooler for my vat of mayo.

“If you really fucking love me you’ll stop buying this Miracle Whip shit.” [Read more...]