Funny or Die Presents: Rugrats

 Every 90’s child thought it, but now we have proof. That Angelica chick was one cold-hearted bitch. Filled with deception, manipulation and cold-blooded murder, get ready 90’s generation for the greatest validation of our television consuming childhood existence that we all know and miss so much. Fuck that I-Carly bullshit, and buy your tickets in advance for the first (of which I hope to be many) live action Rugrats movie. With a star-studded cast, including Alia Shawkat, Mae Whitman, Michael Angarano and Nathan Barnatt, your childhood memories will never be the same.

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

EAT THIS! Holiday Crystal Meth Plate

 

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Natalie Wall

If there is anything that brings the children scampering around the holiday garbage can fire, it’s Holiday Crystal Meth and Crack Rocks. One of my personal favorites holiday treats, based purely on its sugar addiction factor and quick preparation time.

Holiday Crystal Meth

Ingredients:

1. One local Wal-Mart/CVS/Bottom Dollar

2. One pair of scissors

3. One hammer

4. Plastic candy dish-preferably holiday related

5. 4 Bags of rock candy

Instructions:

First you will need to locate your local Wal-Mart or other fine discount retailers. Once that task is completed, step out of your car/bike/public transportation of choice and locate the candy aisle or as I like to call it, “The Impending Type-2 Diabetes” aisle. Grab at least 4 bags of rock candy. I usually buy at least 8, but that’s based solely on my low blood sugar and lack of self-respect.

Next, locate the self-checkout lines. No one needs to see this moment. [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – 80′s Fashion. It’s Back.

tom_selleck glasses

Ladies, it is time. It is time for us to admit that the 80’s are back and it looks so damn good. On men, that is. (Step away from the crimper, Sarah.)

So yes, I’m talking to you, good sir, with the glorious Tom Selleck mustache.

And yes, you, Mr. Strong legs, rocking the bright red shorty-shorts. You say the length of the shorts helps with your endless cross-country training? Sure it does. But it helps me get through those cold and lonely nights, so you wear those bad boys all you damn well please. [Read more...]

Top 35 Worst Sex Names – Slutty but Funny

funny_natalie

by Natalie Wall

America,

There is an epidemic that’s going on in the world today, and it’s called “bad-sex-name-fluenza”. It’s a silent killer, well, silent killer of the mood that is. Worse than gas, it strikes at a moment of pure ecstasy, leaving the victim feeling sexually repulsed/ dirty/ trying to remember the Hot-Pocket theme song. We can’t stand for this anymore, America. I’m so sick of holding back vomit while I have sex. I should get Oscars my performances.

America this must stop now, and yes I know…it would be so much fun to make fun of our own kids mercilessly for such a sucky ass name, but think about their sex life. We can only hope your partner’s genes ruin your child’s chance at a normal social life…fingers crossed. [Read more...]

Slutty But Funny – It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

funny_natalie
by Natalie Wall

You know, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I wasn’t supposed to be living with my parents after I graduated college, let alone living with them for nine months… and counting.

I wasn’t supposed to be moping around my house screaming at my mom for more mayo to dip my morning sausage links into.

I never thought the highlight of my week would become the moment I figured I could fashion my Kansas City Chief koozies into the perfect cooler for my vat of mayo.

“If you really fucking love me you’ll stop buying this Miracle Whip shit.” [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – Penis Envy

by Natalie Wall

love my penis funny

Male Orgasms… what are they? Where do they come from? Am I the only one who’s ever wondered want an orgasm for a guy feels like? Like, there are so many different hand motions and gyrations going on down there it must feel different, if not better. I’ve always wanted to be a guy for a day, solely so I could jerk it for 24 hours straight.

My friends have heard this question a million times, and they always privately agree with my statement. I say privately only because I always get the same reaction when I ask my girl friends if they have ever wanted a penis.

“God, you’re weird.”

Silence.

“Well it would be fun jerkin’ it, wouldn’t it?” [Read more...]

Slutty But Funny – wait…why am I single?

by Natalie Wall

It has recently come to my attention that I am single. And by recently I mean this past month and by this past month I mean since I was nine.

My dad thinks it’s because I’m (and I quote) “too pretty”… but I’m pretty sure it may have something to do with my serious opinions about flavored mayo…. I’m sorry but there is only one flavor of mayo and it’s called mayo…get this “lemony-zest” mayo shit out of my face, you fascist bastard.

Did I just shake you up? Good.

Whew. I’m all sweaty now…this may also be part of the problem (the sweat, that is).

I’m weird. It’s cool. I get it. I figured this out when I was 13 at my local Pizza Hut…don’t ask.

Whatever, it will probably make me famous, bitches. Or, at the very least, that sassy spray-paint huffing, cat lady in the Reeboks and pastel wind suit, which are both classy and versatile, thank you very much.

In all honesty, I should have been a dude. I dream about peeing while standing, I kick ass at beer pong and I fucking love porn. Like really, porn is a beautiful, beautiful thing… a man and a woman and a man and two other men in a loving embrace…who wouldn’t love that?

Okay, with even more honesty…I’m perfect. Don’t act like you weren’t already thinking it. My farts smells like butterflies (if they were dead), my love bubbles (boobs) are symmetrical (most of the time) and I have mediocre sex (at best).

Okay, fine, whatever.

Live in your impossible standards world, gentlemen. But come on, I’m not that bad of a choice; it’s either me (read above) or that sexually acceptable girl losing her shit to the newest Bieber song who is on her fourth Appletini stumbling towards the bar with her side boobage hanging out …oh… I get it now…

If it’s any consolation I’ll take out my retainer before talking to you this time. I totally understand why that freaked you out…

My ortho said the lisp wouldn’t last that long…she lied.

But seriously… why am I still single?

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comdian but the reality is she is unemployed college graduate living with her parents. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City,  she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).