Slutty but Funny – Penis Envy

by Natalie Wall

love my penis funny

Male Orgasms… what are they? Where do they come from? Am I the only one who’s ever wondered want an orgasm for a guy feels like? Like, there are so many different hand motions and gyrations going on down there it must feel different, if not better. I’ve always wanted to be a guy for a day, solely so I could jerk it for 24 hours straight.

My friends have heard this question a million times, and they always privately agree with my statement. I say privately only because I always get the same reaction when I ask my girl friends if they have ever wanted a penis.

“God, you’re weird.”

Silence.

“Well it would be fun jerkin’ it, wouldn’t it?” [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – Things that make me go buh-gah

by Natalie Wall

Clown Porn Humor

1. Female Overexcitement:
When I get excited I eat fast and when I eat fast, I vomit in my mouth : /

2. The phrase “Bowel Movement”:
Can you just say poop? Seriously. Can you?

3. ABC family movies:
Emma Robertson as a blonde whore? Really, ABC family? Really? I thought your movies were supposed to be realistic with good moral values for young adults. Like, “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” or “Pretty Little Liars” now those are shows that just get me.

4. Snooki’s party-bump:
I swear to God, she’s hiding a balloon full of heroin up there. Well that, and a dildo.

5. Sober sexting:
It’s all fun and sex when you’re drunk. But, I once had a guy literally say he was going to rape me via a sober text, well maybe he did ”I’m going to rape you” it was something along the lines of “I’m going to screw you until you’re begging me to stop, but… I won’t.” Wait…what…? [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – I wish this was a lie…

by Natalie Wall

funny_natalie

I wish this was a lie…

“So are you seeing anyone….guy or girl?”

“No, but that you for subtly asking if I’m a lesbian for the 15th time now, Mother.”

After being asked for the umpteenth time if I’m a lesbian, I started to question…why am I not dating anyone? Oh wait that’s right. I’m an asshole.

It used to be a real issue for me, but then I realized, the world doesn’t need a man that can deal with my asshole antics, just think of the poor soul that would have to date me. I’m pretty sure I’d turn him gay. That or he would kill himself. That sorry bastard.

And to add to my asshole factor, I’m disgusting with just a dash of gassiness. Now, those who know me, I know what you’re thinking. “You’re not an asshole, you are the most loving person I know. Just a simple peaceful beautiful soul.” Don’t patronize me, you sick pricks. And just to prove my point I’m listing my top 10 most disgusting/assholey things I’ve ever done.

1. When I get too drunk and need to vomit I just turn to the side of my bed and puke on my carpeted floor. I usually miss.

2. I put 4-5 scoops of mayo on any sandwich I eat, but it’s cool I balance it out with cucumbers.

3. If it were socially acceptable to never brush my teeth. I wouldn’t.

4. Remember being at a crowded party, then smelling butt? Oh yeah, that was me.

5. If it was socially acceptable to never bathe. I wouldn’t.

6. I have to wash my feet every day. Why you ask? Cause they smell like Fritos.

7. I usually eat meat and mayo…for breakfast. [Read more...]

Slutty But Funny – wait…why am I single?

by Natalie Wall

It has recently come to my attention that I am single. And by recently I mean this past month and by this past month I mean since I was nine.

My dad thinks it’s because I’m (and I quote) “too pretty”… but I’m pretty sure it may have something to do with my serious opinions about flavored mayo…. I’m sorry but there is only one flavor of mayo and it’s called mayo…get this “lemony-zest” mayo shit out of my face, you fascist bastard.

Did I just shake you up? Good.

Whew. I’m all sweaty now…this may also be part of the problem (the sweat, that is).

I’m weird. It’s cool. I get it. I figured this out when I was 13 at my local Pizza Hut…don’t ask.

Whatever, it will probably make me famous, bitches. Or, at the very least, that sassy spray-paint huffing, cat lady in the Reeboks and pastel wind suit, which are both classy and versatile, thank you very much.

In all honesty, I should have been a dude. I dream about peeing while standing, I kick ass at beer pong and I fucking love porn. Like really, porn is a beautiful, beautiful thing… a man and a woman and a man and two other men in a loving embrace…who wouldn’t love that?

Okay, with even more honesty…I’m perfect. Don’t act like you weren’t already thinking it. My farts smells like butterflies (if they were dead), my love bubbles (boobs) are symmetrical (most of the time) and I have mediocre sex (at best).

Okay, fine, whatever.

Live in your impossible standards world, gentlemen. But come on, I’m not that bad of a choice; it’s either me (read above) or that sexually acceptable girl losing her shit to the newest Bieber song who is on her fourth Appletini stumbling towards the bar with her side boobage hanging out …oh… I get it now…

If it’s any consolation I’ll take out my retainer before talking to you this time. I totally understand why that freaked you out…

My ortho said the lisp wouldn’t last that long…she lied.

But seriously… why am I still single?

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comdian but the reality is she is unemployed college graduate living with her parents. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City,  she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).