Funny Not Slutty Best on the Planet Winners!

Funniest on the planet awards

Sponsored by The Louise Log

1. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Female

Tina Fey – Winner!

 

2. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Male

Louis CK – Winner!

 

3. Funniest Actress/Actor on the Planet – Television

Kristin Wiig – Winner!

  [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 12

Dear Suniverse,

Although I’m quite the “as a matter of fact, yes this dildo IS awesome” online, I am quite the opposite in real life — or at least, with people I do not know.

Whether I pack my special toys in my main suitcase or in my carry-on, there’s serious intrusion of privacy shit that can play out either way.

Why not just leave my toys at home, you ask? Well, fuck. I’m a firm believer of the old proverb: “Don’t leave home without it.” (Don’t fool yourself, that shit did NOT start with American Express.)

Sunni, especially in this world we’re living in, there is a very strong likelihood that your private-ness could be put on display for everyone to see. Do you have some pointers as to A. How to hide said special objects in a stealth-like manner? and B. How would you handle such a situation when you’re travelling?

Sincerely,

Lady E, Adventures in Estrogen

 

Lady E,

I am right there with you – not in that I travel with my Happy Maker to every destination, but in that I have twice now gone to conferences in the past few months where Lady Pleasurers were given as swag [and a big thank you, to you, too, Sweetie!]. The husband is thrilled with this turn of events, as am I, but since I’ve flown both places, I’ve also been subject to the invasive search [no, not body cavity invasive; standard TSA invasive].

In both these instances, I’ve just put my carry-on bag on the XRay scanner and walked right through [well, I’ve more minced right through, because I’ve been barefoot and PUBLIC FLOORS ARE DISGUSTING], head held high, daring anyone to say anything about the interestingly shaped objects in my bag. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 11

 

Dear Suniverse,

How can I make enough money so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

Sadly Not a Trust Fund Baby

 

Dear Worker Bee,

This is the question we all ask ourselves when we finally run out of opportunities to hit the snooze bar. It’s a question that plagues us all, and what makes it worse is that there are few good solutions to the problem.

Sure, you can work and save and retire early, like those people do on the infomercials that try and sell you 10 DVDs on how to manage your money for the easy payments of $29.99 per month for three months.

Or you can come from money, like rich people do. If this hasn’t worked out for you, I say, blame your parents. Those bastards fucked things right up for you, didn’t they?

But if neither of those options is a go, you’re left with the following:

Play the lottery. This is not going to make you any money by actually winning, BUT you can become friendly with the guy who sells tickets and create some sort of evil cabal where if he does happen to sell a winning lottery ticket, you can figure out who bought it by looking at the film from the security cameras and stealing the ticket out from under their noses. Or pillows. Or wherever they keep a winning lottery ticket. I wouldn’t know, as I’ve never won.

Marry rich. This is a good option if you haven’t been born rich. A good way to do this is to follow the fine example of one Anna Nicole Smith, who came from nothing and ended up married to The Cryptkeeper – I mean, that old guy in the wheelchair. She’s a hero to us all, except for the whole dying of an overdose thing. I’d stay away from that.

Invent something. I think people who invent stuff are pretty rich, if Bill Gates and the Pinkberry guy are anything to go by. So think of something that you’d like to see in your life, like an at-home pedicure kit that comes with a recording of someone talking shit about you in another language so that you can have smooth feet and an inferiority complex without having to go anywhere.

Since I can’t think of cool stuff to make, I’ll be over here, practicing my pole dancing moves.

Relaxing in the cabin of my private jet,
Suniverse
[Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 10

Olives Infographic on Funny not Slutty

 

Dear Suniverse:

Have you ever noticed that people who dislike olives are assholes? I mean, olives are awesome. They’re tasty and salty and you can stuff other food such as garlic or cheese inside them. Who wouldn’t love that? Answer: Assholes. Also, some people like only green olives but not black ones. I’m pretty sure that means they’re racist. Anyway, I’m wondering if there should be some sort of olive litmus test. Please advise.

Olive you. (Get it?!?)
A
lone With Cats

 
 

Dear Cat Fancier,

They ARE assholes, aren’t they?  I mean, WTF? OLIVES ARE DELICIOUS. And have you tried the oil? SUBLIME!

Seriously. People who don’t like olives are missing some genetic material that makes them function as normal, decent human beings. The presence or absence of the Salty Goodness Receptor [SGR] in everyone’s mouth is in direct correlation to whether or not that person is someone who is not an asshole.

As to the different types of olives, yes, there is absolutely racism present.  Why would you not love black olives? It’s not like it’s black licorice [which I tried once and am still trying to get that shitty taste out of my mouth].

Why would someone be all apartheid on black olives? Do they hate freedom? Assholes.

So, in conclusion, I would recommend the following litmus test:

Hey, do you like olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes – great, what about black olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes? Let’s be friends!

Sitting here eating kalamata olives by the handful,
Suniverse [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 9

What is out Purpose for being on planet Earth - Ask the Suniverse on FnS
Dear Suniverse, 

What is our purpose for living on planet Earth?

Wondering,
There’s Got to Be a Point, Right?

 
Dear Pointy,

Of course there’s a point. If we weren’t on planet Earth, we’d be stuck on one of those ridiculously underpopulated and barren planets like Mars, where the monsters are and there is no carry out.

Here’s the thing:  Our point is to be. Be here. Be here now.  And enjoy it.  I know, I know, there’s a lot of misery and angst and pollution, and believe me, at 3:00am WHEN I WAKE UP EVERY GODDAMN DAY, it’s hard to keep my mind from whirring about crises both personal and universal [Did I forget to pay our car insurance? Do we have enough money to pay our car insurance? What happens if we end up like all those people whose health insurance premiums become astronomical and then end up with a debilitating illness that wipes us out financially and we have to move in with MY PARENTS? WHY DO WE NOT HAVE UNIVERSAL COVERAGE YET?]. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 8

funny-not-slutty-suniverse-meme

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers.

Dear Suniverse,

What do you do to market yourself as a brand?

Not Proctor & Gamble

 

[Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 6

 
Suniverse-Funny-AdviceConfused? Uncertain? Worried that you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve all your problems. As an oldest child, I’m quite used to bossing people around and telling them what to do. As someone who has spent countless years and more student loan money than I’d care to think about attending ever more esoteric classes, I’m filled with the type of knowledge that isn’t suitable anywhere else. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also enjoy my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers.

Dear Suniverse,

If nuns are all the brides of the Big Man … doesn’t that make them celestial law-breaking polygamists?

Sincerely,

Fast Track to You Know Where

[Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 5

holidays-blog

Suniverse-Funny-AdviceConfused? Uncertain? Worried that you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve all your problems.  As an oldest child, I’m quite used to bossing people around and telling them what to do.  As someone who has spent countless years and more student loan money than I’d care to think about attending ever more esoteric classes, I’m filled with the type of knowledge that isn’t suitable anywhere else.  Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com.  You can also enjoy my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.  Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

How do I get through another sad and lonely Christmas? [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Oprah’s Favorite Cookies (not that Oprah)

oprahs-favorite-cookies

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

By Suniverse ~ That’s right, bitches – I bake, too.

Makes about 4 dozen [I got 46 and am desperately trying to let go of the fact that the last dozen was not complete] [It’s not going well]

Ingredients

2 ¼ cups flour
1tsp kosher salt
1tsp baking soda [Go ahead, use the one that’s deodorizing your fridge, I won’t tell anyone]
¾ cup packed light brown sugar
¾ cup sugar
2 sticks butter, softened [or nuke it for about 10 or so seconds if you forgot, like some people did]
2 eggs
1 tbsp vanilla
3 cups chocolate chips, various flavors [I used semi-sweet, dark and white*]
A little extra kosher salt, if you’re feeling saucy

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Line 2 or 3 cookie sheets with parchment paper.  Sure, you could just use ungreased cookie sheets, but what are you, an animal? Also, this way you won’t have to wash the cookie sheets after you’ve used them – you just toss the parchment paper. You’re welcome. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol 1 Edition 2

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers. 

 

Dear Suniverse,

Why is Mariah Carey?

Confused


Dear Confused,

Why, indeed?

I confess, I know very little about Mariah Carey.  I know that she’s married to Nick Cannon, but the only reason I know who Nick Cannon is is because he was once on The Chappelle Show.  Is he a muppet?  Is she? [Read more...]