10 Lies Men Text To Women (And The Truth Behind Them!)

Ladies, I am not one to claim to be the guru of all things Man, but I will definitely admit that I know a fair amount about the opposite sex. Why? Because I spend an awful lot of time around them, talking about them, drunkenly (and soberly) texting them, and deciphering their text messages. Male Text-Speak is one of the hardest languages to decipher, so I am here to help you understand how you may currently be deceived. In fact, there are ten very common lies that men text to women on a regular basis. I am sure you and I have received the same text, and not necessarily because we slept with the same guy (if you’re in improv comedy, though, we probably did).

These are ten lies that I know that men text to women, and the truth behind them. Be warned: you may not like what you read, so I would advise you to reach for the cookie dough and preemptively begin eating your feelings. I’ve got my spoonful of peanut butter ready.
 
1. Hey! Wanna hang out later?
You may read that and think “that’s a question,” but in fact, that’s a lie. First of all, “hanging out” is a euphemism for “boning,” so there you have it! You thought he wanted to play Scrabble and watch old episodes of Buffy, and maybe make some stovetop chili if you were getting comfortable. However, “hanging out,” which seems too friendly to be true – in fact is. Men who want to date you don’t want to hang out. They are capable of coming up with more eloquent phrasing than “hanging out.” Like “pasando el rato” for instance. Yes, that’s “spending time” in Spanish, but it demonstrates effort.

You may say – but, Mallory – if a guy just wanted to get it on, wouldn’t he just say text me at 2 AM? Yes, he would! And he would invite you to “hang out.” Believe me, “hang out” is actually “hang out…naked.”

The exception to the I-want-to-bone-you rule is that he has zero interest in you, just as a friend. Then this becomes a text worth crying over, because you’ll just end up buying your own beer and wallowing in your financial independence (or not, if you just want to be his friend. But if you just want to be his friend, too, you’re not analyzing a text.)

More specifically, when is this “later” that we’re hanging out? Vague! I call you out on vagueness!
 
2. Cool.
Again, you may accuse me of claiming that a response like “cool,” is a lie. But let’s be honest for a hot second (since honesty is the key here): have you ever said cool to something that actually was, indeed, cool? If you did, you definitely didn’t use a period. You probably said “cool!” Or “Awesome!” Or “Amazeballs!” (that might just be me, but still). If a guy texts you that what you did over the weekend is “cool,” then he thinks it is lame. End of story. I know this because whenever I tell men what I’m eating or feeling they always just say “cool.”
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