“I Can’t Believe I Had Sex With You” – Valentine Music Vid by MVPleez – Natalie Wall

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With Valentine’s Day now upon us, there is only one thing we single ladies can do: shudder at our regrettable sexual lovers. All. Of. Them.

It’s okay. We all have our past sexual anguishes. No judgment. Revel in your past drunken stupidity, by drinking even more. It’s a vicious cycle really, but it’s the only way mistakes are made.

So grab a bottle of three-dollar wine, order that free Papa John’s pizza you won from the Super Bowl coin-toss, and commiserate with the ladies of MVPleez about letting that scab kiss your boobs. Repeatedly.

And cry. You should probably cry, too. Like, a lot.

MVPleez is Monica West and Valentine Bureau. Two ladies from NYC who turn their every day lives into music videos. Because, well, why wouldn’t you?
www.MVPleez.com * follow us! https://twitter.com/#!/MVPleez

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

 

Slutty but Funny – Drunk

DrunkNo matter how open I am with myself, there are so many things that I always seem to “conveniently” forget about in public situations. One being the fact that there are certain alcoholic beverages that basically turn me into a whore on any given day and/or night.

I know some of you reading this have witnessed this beautiful feat first hand, and for that I am truly sorry for making you relive that moment that you have tried so hard to block out of your memory. Whatever, shit happens.
I think all ladies need to remember this special fact. (Gentlemen, take note.) Seeing as we all have that “ special drink.” Personally, there are three specific types of alcohol that turn me into a Grade-A whore in under sixty minutes of consumption: champagne, red wine and tequila. [Read more...]

Valentine Affirmations for Junior High School Girl Nerds in The 80s, Like Myself

80s Nerd Awesomeness

  1. This is, like, the perfect shade of frosted pink lipstick for me.
  2. My choice of perfume, Spring Forth Nimbly by Amplitude, is pretty awesome.
  3. I don’t care that Tanya got a singing telegram.
  4. Like my mom says, I’m big boned. So if, like, if girls were allowed to play ice hockey, I would, like, smack Tanya in the face accidentally with my stick, but my school is sooo sexist.
  5. I would also like to wrestle. Maybe Mr. Jones, the art teacher who is from San Diego (oh my god, California!) and makes still-lifes from milk containers that are kind of suggestive. At least to me.
  6. [Read more...]

But It’s The Way He Says My Name

by Alexandra

bee mineeAs a woman from a long line of people with accents — accents to you, not to me — I have always been at a loss as to why American women’s knees turn to jelly at the sound of a Spanish accent. My sisters are with me on this.

Men are just men. In my case, the men in my Colombian family are brown skinned, long sooty eye lashed, dark haired, and come with the ability, apparently, to make women from the USA tremble just by saying their name. Cynthia trills out of their mouths as Eseentya, Judy is breathed out Hoodeet, Ann becomes the hypnotizing Ahna.

You poor things don’t stand a chance, do you? [Read more...]

Valentine’s Day is for Chumps – JPMetz

5 Things I Will NOT Be Doing on Valentine’s Day to “Please My Man” – Blythe Jewell

by Blythe Jewell

1. Squeezing into slutty lingerie.

I don’t dress up to have sex. If naked’s not good enough, we have a problem.

Besides – lace chafes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Sensual massage.
I have really weak fingers and wrists.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Scattering rose petals around the bed.
Somebody’s got to clean that shit up, yo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Cooking an elaborate meal.
If you had ever seen me trying to Forrest Gump my way through the kitchen, you’d understand that I’m actually doing him a favor with this one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Feeding him chocolate-covered strawberries.
Any chocolate in this house belongs to me, exclusively – regardless of the occasion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look. I love my guy, but I don’t need a special day to be awkward, uncomfortable and falsely selfless. That’s what dating was for.

Hey, Valentine’s Day? Bite me.

 

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/.  Also available for childrens’ parties.