Marital Seduction – Tarja Parssinen

by Tarja Parssinen

JERRY MCGUIRE COOKS DINNER

“Your Monday night spaghetti completes me.”

AND THEN HE TAKES OUT THE TRASH

“You had me at emptying the diaper genie.”

TITANIC CAL-KING

“I’m so cold.  I can’t feel my body.  Can I put my ice-cold feet next to your feet?  I promise - I’ll never let go!  You’re so warm.  You’re so sexy when you’re warm.”

PRETTY WOMAN ON DATE NIGHT

“In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.”

GONE WITH THE GUTTERS

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn about home maintenance, but fiddle-dee-dee you look fine with that leaf-blower.”

CASABLANCA

“We’ll always have Paris.  Which is even better than the Vegas brochure said it would be.”

DIRTY DANCING “Nobody puts baby’s dirty laundry in the basket.  And if you would just put baby’s laundry – and even your own laundry – in the vicinity of this here green basket?  That would be so hot.”

WHEN HARRY LET SALLY SLEEP IN

“zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

BRAVEHEART

“You know how your face turns blue trying to unite the clans of economics and government and business inside my irrational female mind?  It’s really cute.  It’d be even cuter if you wore a tartan and had a scraggle-mullet.”

SLEEPLESS IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA [Read more...]

White Cotton Panties on FnS BitchFest

The ladies of White Cotton Panties recount their worst first dates. Ladies, laugh with them, gentlemen, please take notes.

WCP’s Top 10 Ways to Break Up

5 Things I Will NOT Be Doing on Valentine’s Day to “Please My Man” – Blythe Jewell

by Blythe Jewell

1. Squeezing into slutty lingerie.

I don’t dress up to have sex. If naked’s not good enough, we have a problem.

Besides – lace chafes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Sensual massage.
I have really weak fingers and wrists.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Scattering rose petals around the bed.
Somebody’s got to clean that shit up, yo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Cooking an elaborate meal.
If you had ever seen me trying to Forrest Gump my way through the kitchen, you’d understand that I’m actually doing him a favor with this one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Feeding him chocolate-covered strawberries.
Any chocolate in this house belongs to me, exclusively – regardless of the occasion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look. I love my guy, but I don’t need a special day to be awkward, uncomfortable and falsely selfless. That’s what dating was for.

Hey, Valentine’s Day? Bite me.

 

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/.  Also available for childrens’ parties.