Overly Religious Southern Baptists…BITE ME – Slutty but Funny

Southern Baptists,

Let’s chat.

Now I’m not going to sit here and berate you on your hypocritical religious beliefs.  I saw that Mitt Romney was your commencement speaker, Liberty University. (…I watch the news…and yes,  The Daily Show can be considered “news.”) Last I heard y’all called Mormons a “religious cult.”

And I’m not even going to talk about your uncanny ability to alienate any person who doesn’t conform to your “ideals.”

But if you are going to make me listen to a twenty minute introduction about the groomsmen in your fucking Southern Baptist “dry” wedding BEFORE food has even been served, you better believe I’m going to openly pour vodka into the sparkling apple cider you’re trying so hard to pass off as champagne.

Side note: If the usher has to constantly announce that the groomsmen, “is a good Christian man, and he’s fun to hang out with!” He’s not fun to hang out with. [Read more...]

Choose the perfect wedding dress with Jessica Delfino

Jessica Delfino is getting married and she is writing about it on Funny not Slutty. Jessica has been searching for the perfect wedding dress and shares some of her most exciting finds.

Before you buy this dress, take a short pre-qualifing exam:
Are you 14? Are you getting married against your will to a man 30 years your senior? Are you Asian? Are you a woman who
was never allowed to play? If you answered “yes” to one or more questions, well, this dress is for you, milady — I mean, michild.

OMG, this is the perrrrfect dress if you collect injured pigeons
or if you are Natalie Portman in “Black Swan” [Read more...]

Dumb Ass Wedding Songs – Jessica Delfino

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Now Introducing the Bride and Groom and Their Dumb Ass Wedding Song

by Jessica Delfino

Dancing in a gown while my entire family watches is enough to reawaken every pathos and neurosis I managed to stuff way, way down inside my self, the way I used to with tissue paper in a brassiere. Used to? Who am I kidding. I did it last week. The bride and groom dance scares me almost as much as a fiery death also involving spiders. OK, let’s break it down. The way this typically works is, some dude you never met and probably don’t care much for who somehow conned you into forking over upwards of three grand to dick around with some of his favorite music for a few hours will introduce you as man and wife for the first time to whatever song you and your fiancé either caringly choose together or settle on, like you may have each other.

Today, we discuss some of the most popular songs for the newly wed bride and groom dance, and what it says about them.

A Whole New World, “Alladin” Sound Track

12 year olds, Arabians, Disney princess, those planning to come out of the closet at some point in the near future, practical “ironic” jokesters doing the best and most elaborate joke of their lives, those paid to use it, or a couple who forgot to specify what song they wanted, and this was the first song that came up on random. In short, I can’t think of one realistic reason that anyone might be doing any kind of dancing at all to this song at their wedding. I can already see in the comments, someone writing, “I like that song!” Please also note which one you are, above.

Always, Atlantic Starr

OK, so, this song owns in both an ironic and a totally for real way, and may very well be the song I choose for my wedding song. What does that say about me? Well, that I used to love rollerskating when I was 10, for one. Speaking of Atlantic Starr –

Secret Lovers, Atlantic Starr

It’s a nice coincidence that Atlantic Starr also boasts the rad “Secret Lovers” ballad about an illicit romantic affair. Play that song at your wedding if your husband left his wife to be with you. You won! Celebrate life’s little achievements.

Crazy, Patsy Cline

This is a great song to dance to at your wedding if you are Carole Boone (who married Ted Bundy), Doreen Lioy (who married Richard Ramirez), Tammi Saccoman (who married Erik Menendez), Rebecca Sneed (who married Lyle Menendez), and anyone else who is marrying a man on death row, because your ass be crazy.

Don’t Know Much, Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville [Read more...]

Yeah, Sure, Of Course, Totally, & Fine, I Do, OK?

Note from the Editor: Jessica Delfino is getting married, and she is writing about it in this new column on FnS.

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Breaking Down Weddings, or, Why Weddings Equal Break Downs

By Jessica Delfino

Marriage — everyone’s favorite institution, or, at least, the only one where the food is typically half way decent.

If you are married, you know it costs a small fortune to do something so simple seeming as “tying a knot.” However, most knots don’t cost you (or your parents) about the same as a year of college tuition to tie. Except maybe the “six exploding knots” which could also be a euphemism for what happens when the two families combine at many weddings.

Also, generally, most knots are a hell of a lot cheaper to untie. [Read more...]